The Christmas We Get We DON'T Deserve

I heard a song on the radio yesterday at work that grabbed my attention. Against a backdrop of soft, smooth classic Christmas carols, it was full of angst and disappointment. A song of protest against commercialization and war, it came through my speakers as a reminder of the painful things many of us are feeling this season after such a tumultuous year:

"They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
But instead it just kept on raining
Veiled tears for the Virgin birth
I remember one Christmas morning
A winters light and a distant choir
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas Tree smell
And eyes full of tinsel and fire

They sold me a dream of Christmas
They sold me a Silent Night
And they told me a fairy story
'Till I believed in the Israelite
And I believed in Father Christmas
And I looked to the sky with excited eyes
'Till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn
And I saw him and through his disguise

I wish you a hopeful Christmas
I wish you a brave New Year
All anguish, pain, and sadness
Leave your heart and let your road be clear
They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
Hallelujah, Noel, be it Heaven or Hell
The Christmas we get we deserve. - Greg Lake"

Wow.

All I can think is "What is the Christmas gift that would have satisfied the songwriter?" Perhaps a world at peace and the end of a bloody war. Perhaps a halt to the commercial trappings of a holiday that everyone says will renew us and often disappoints. But I know in my heart that he could not have been satisfied for long.

Wars will always restart because our pride is always wounded one way or another- local, national, and international politics will never be devoid of conflict because all humans desire to be powerful and prosperous. Materialism will never leave us because it is a function of our hearts' need to be distracted by the tangible to avoid the uncertainty of the intangible.

My heart breaks to think of the lies our culture believes about gifts. We refuse to accept the one gift that God gave us at Christmas and then we are angry at God because the material/social gifts we did receive are not filling the emptiness in our hearts. There is war and hatred and violence seeping into every crack in the world around us. We are afraid and angry. And the holiday season, while many ads claim it will heal us, often leaves us profoundly hopeless. But we long for the gifts Jesus offers without even realizing it.

We long for freely given love and acceptance. Jesus gives that. We long for peace in our hearts and in our communities. Jesus brings that. We long for a family where we belong. Jesus brings us into the family of God.

But the reason we will not come to Him is because our nature resists free offerings. We do not understand the concept of getting good things we have not earned (gifts); we think karma is the operating force. "Give good, get good. Give bad, get bad." But that isn't "giving" at all. God's idea of reaching out to us in all of emptiness and filling us with love and joy just because He wants to is foreign to us. It is foreign to the person who does not believe in God, to the person who is not interested in God, and to the Christian. It is a HUMAN resistance to the gracious giving of anything we have not worked for.

My nature says "God, help me to earn your gifts. I'll work harder and be better if it means you will give me what I long for. God, I'll become the perfect candidate so you can choose me." When I see how badly I fail at working harder and being better, my nature says "God, please don't take your gifts away from me. Please don't take my husband even though I was such an unworthy wife today. Please don't take my job because I was such an unworthy worker today. Please don't take my health because I failed to steward my time and abilities well. I didn't earn it right but please, God, I know you're disappointed but I couldn't bear to lose your goodness."

I am a professional at making simple things complicated. Just ask my mom or any of my former teachers or my husband. I get an A for overthinking every time. But the thing is, when you make gifts complicated, they aren't gifts anymore. They are transactions. "I'll do this so you'll do that. If you don't do this, I won't do that."

At Christmas, we don't get what we deserve. We get gifts that are born out of THEIR love and not OUR merit, out of THEIR gracious and generous hearts and not OUR "good grades". In our daily lives, if we got what we deserve all the time, we would be in serious trouble. In many ways I have not earned the devotion of my husband but he gives it. In many ways I have not earned the blessing of my work and my good health (there are countless others more qualified and more genuinely good than I am) but God gives it. In all of my cursing, God has not stolen my voice though I deserve it. In all of my stubborn worrying and bitterness, God has not taken my mental faculties though I deserve that too. In all of my innate sinfulness, God has not given me Hell though I deserve it.

The birth of Christ - the entire Christmas story- is proof of this. Jesus was given to us as a priceless gift we had never earned..And He came because we could never earn the love and forgiveness and peace and joy we all long for. He knew that He could earn through his perfection what we could never ever earn in our brokenness and sin. So He took immense suffering so I wouldn't have to. So his perfect words and perfect obedient mind are what God sees now when He looks at ME. That is utterly mind-blowing.




In this season, I think we probably need to evaluate what exactly we assume we are entitled to. Let's look around and honestly admit in our hearts how we think God and others have held out on us.

"I'm lonely and my friends are never there for me. I deserve good friends.

I'm tired and I never get enough rest. I deserve a break.

My job is frustrating and isn't worth the aggravation. I deserve my superior's job and pay rate because I work harder.

My spouse doesn't meet my needs and barely ever has any time to spend with me. I deserve all of his/her attention. I deserve to have someone who builds his/her life around mine.

My family members and friends are having children and they got married way after I did. Instead of a child, I got cysts for Christmas. I deserve to be a mom too, don't I?

These women are all beautiful and put together and I feel ugly and scatterbrained and inadequate. I deserve to be the person I dreamed of being, don't I?"

Maybe you feel some of those things. I know I have some days - lots of days. But here is the truth:

I don't deserve a single thing.
Not one bit of anything I have in my life at this moment.
God has given me gift after gift after gift that I never worked one minute to obtain.

My mind returns to the song "They sold me a dream". Yes, perhaps they did. Perhaps you were sold a consumer-targeted, profit-driven, emotionalized, memorialized sham of a Christmas. Perhaps you were sold a Jesus that is all smiles and love and kindness with no justice and anger and scars. Perhaps you were sold a celebration of wealth and close family memories and picture perfect poses amid holiday lights. I'm sorry it was sold to you and I am sorry that you were tricked into buying it.

But that isn't the Christmas that God offers. That isn't the kind of gift the "Israelite" came to hand out freely. Because His gift is so much more.

The gift of Jesus is God becoming man, forgiving sins, bleeding to death on a Roman cross, and coming back to life so He could bring you to Heaven with him. The gift of Jesus is a legal pardon for everything you have ever done wrong, a pardon bought with the blood of the Creator himself. The gift of Jesus has nothing to do with you becoming a good person and everything to do with Jesus being a PERFECT person that makes you PERFECT in the sight of Heaven itself. You aren't good or perfect, but He proclaims that because He bought you with His own blood, you are.

No matter what you have heard, Jesus did not come to give us health and wealth and happiness - He came to give us himself. No strings attached.

No matter how much good we do, He will offer us himself - all of his love and grace and power.
No matter how much bad we do, He will offer us himself - all of his love and grace and power.

It's been nearly 15 years since I received the gift of Jesus, and He is still the only real gift I have. Every blessing in my life has come through knowing him, every talent and skill I have comes from him, every bit of growth I have experienced is because of him. But in every change, I have never received anything more or less than HIMSELF. His presence. His companionship. His comfort.

If every single tangible good in my life were to disappear tomorrow morning, God's gift would not be changed. Jesus is the gift and he will never be taken from me. If every single tangible thing in my life were to get bigger and grander and more enjoyable tomorrow morning, God's gift would not be changed. Jesus is the gift and no other gift could ever compare.

This Christmas, I pray that we focus on each new moment as a gift. That we put aside our arbitrary expectations and experience the joy of here and now. That we stop trying to earn favor with God or trying to appease Him with frantic pleading. That we learn that true gifts- no matter their incredible cost to the giver- are FREE for the receiver. That we reach out to receive and constantly cherish the gift of the baby born in Bethlehem, the Messiah and King of Kings...The one gift that never stops giving.

"His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again. - Annie Flint"

Soliloquy as Monologue

Perhaps you've seen them. Those Instagram posts with the soft filter that instantly harden your heart.

Calligraphic Bible verses with steaming cups of coffee. Look, she must be so spiritual.
Long flowing hair spilling onto the white sands of a Caribbean beach. Look, she must be so carefree.
Hands entwined. Look, they must be so in love.
A casserole dish sizzling with Mrs. Jones' latest healthy dinner. Look, she must be so put-together.

Maybe you try to find words somewhere that will rationalize your bitter reaction.

"I'm just going through a stage. That's why all of this is bothering me. I'll be past it soon."

Or maybe you try to shut off all stimuli to avoid the nagging feeling that everyone is watching you just to see when you'll fall short of the social standard of perfection.

"I'm going to hide for a week and socialize with no one. I'll wear a potato sack with eyeholes cut out."

Soon, you start to see condescension in everyone's eyes...especially when it isn't there.

You start to feel the crushing weight of these expectations...without realizing that they are of your own making.

You look in the mirror and notice 3 things:
1) It's covered in smudges because your home isn't as clean as it should be.
2) The person looking back at you is ugly, awkward, pale, and disproportionate.
3) The bags under your eyes have become so ordinary that you haven't even noticed them there for the past 6 months.

That chilly, damp feeling which was comforting when you were home watching The Food Network with your mom over a cup of tea isn't comforting anymore. You know you have a phone to call someone, but who would you even call? You know you have blankets to snuggle under, but isn't that for cold temperatures and not cold souls?

By the time you are deep into a musing like this, you realize you haven't thought your way out of it. You think, "But there's always a silver lining! Or a pot of gold. Or that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel."

The problem is the your legs aren't moving and you just got into the tunnel. You forgot your flashlight and you can't remember where the entrance was. So while you stand stuck between two bright places - memory and hope - you find yourself in a dim place - limbo.

Sure, things could be much worse. It isn't pitch black. The ground is stable underneath you. But you've lost your vision. And the future hopes you've held onto feel like they aren't there anymore. Even the memories of the past have faded a little.

The house you dreamed your big dreams in sits abandoned on a hill hundreds of miles away.

Your yearly vacation spot hasn't been visited since high school days. You're trying hard to remember the feel of the balcony's rough cement on your feet.

Your huge family feels tiny now that it is split in so many directions. With some, you mourn the physical distance. With some, you mourn the emotional distance.

You find that everything you observe around you is now reflected in how you see yourself. You watch a mother with her baby and wonder if you'll ever be good enough to parent like that. You watch a colleague run a meeting at work and wonder why you aren't such an effective leader like that. You look at the political climate and wonder how your behavior may have influenced it. You look at the church and its internal issues and wonder which ones you may have been involved in, even unwittingly. You see your spouse's exhaustion and wonder if marrying you is what makes them feel this way. Or maybe you see your kids struggle for meaning and direction and wonder if you are any good at guiding them after all.

There are lots of things you can tell yourself when the blues hit. When you feel like everything in your world is blah and lifeless. When you are tempted to retreat into shadows and never share anything difficult again. These are the most important ones:

Life will not always feel the way it feels now. Be sure not to make the past and future into idols you worship while the present is ready to be lived well. Life may seem a little dark and cold, but doesn't that happen when the sun hides behind the clouds too? The sun will probably pop out of hiding any minute. But even if it doesn't come out soon, the fact that you are still living and breathing and loving means the sun is still there..because the Son is still there.  For every single minute of darkness and brightness, sorrow and joy, tears and laughter. He doesn't leave and He promises He never will.

Joy can be chosen. Joy should be chosen. It does not always come automatically and it does not always come with happy smiles. You can be walking through the dark thoughtfully and cautiously while still possessing deep joy. You can cry while still possessing deep joy. You can ask God hard questions while still possessing deep joy. The one thing that cannot live beside deep joy? Hateful anger. You are not choosing joy if you are choosing to let envy turn into angry hatred toward another person..or toward God. There can be no joy in your life when there is no acknowledgment of your need to move beyond dark feelings into the light of God's grace and strength. The journey to joy always involves looking up - no matter how hard it is to do. You cannot find joy if we are determined to stare at the ground or stare at another human being in resentment of our circumstances. But, on the other hand, this is also true:

Being the honest screwed-up version of you is a million times better than being the fake perfect version of you. You don't believe it, but it's true. People need real people, not cardboard cutouts or magazine models. Dark feelings won't kill you. They are human and you are human - expect them to come around sometimes and don't pretend they never do. You have significance and value just as you are, feelings and all; don't rob the world of your uniqueness. You are created in the image of God.

Time is not the ultimate healer it is made out to be. Sharing is not the ultimate healer either. God is healer and He can use these means to accomplish the healing process in us.  Hard things don't just disappear the longer they sit there in silence. And they don't just disappear the minute you expose them to another. They fade as you face them and embrace them and recognize your inability to understand them and realize God's ability to redeem them. God heals but He will except no substitute healers. When all the little hurts are brushed away and we get to that deep dark hurt at the bottom, God is the only one who can, with a brush of his hand, do away with that kind of hurt...who can make that rock bottom place into a steady foundation instead of a sinking pit.

So in an act of complete surrender to your helplessness, you fall on your knees. You do your best to silence the comparisons, the fears, the hurts, and the wonderings --and you call out to God to do all that you can't. Because you know that trying your best is nothing compared to surrendering to God's best.

It might seem like the former is harder than the latter, but it isn't. Not in the least. Surrendering is a challenge because you are wired to resist surrender and fight for control. But in the spiritual sense, this seems to hold true: The more you strive, the more you sink. The more you surrender, the more you rise.

Hey you, that tough woman who's holding it together when she's falling apart. Hey you, that little girl who still wants the fairy tale but is afraid of finding out it's a lie. Hey you, that go-getter who for once just wants to stop going and getting - who wants to start growing and giving instead.

Hey you, that writer who has run out of witty insightful things to say -- that ambitious businesswoman who feels unnoticed, undervalued, and burned out -- that mom who feels the love in her heart flowing fiercely but pulled in so many impossible-to-stretch-to directions -- that brave woman who wonders when she's alone if somehow she's just not cut out for this calling.

Hey you. Your story doesn't end here. Your purpose is constantly unfolding. Your God is listening, is watching, is loving you right now. This moment. If He feels far, it's because your feelings are an inadequate measure of distance; He's right here.

In your cubicle. In your car's passenger seat. At the bus stop. At your dirty kitchen sink. In your laundry room. At your in-law's house. In your classroom. In the hospital room. By your bedside.

He's right here. And if you are still standing in that dim tunnel pulled between a past and present that just don't fit you anymore  - much like those jeans you wore in high school - know this. Repeat it. Memorize it. Write it on your arms and on your bedroom mirror and behind your sink.

He's right here. What would you tell Him if you knew that? How would you reach for Him? What would you ask Him about? What would you ask Him for?

Afraid of the Dark

Today, it hits me like a load of bricks landing on my back. Some days, it feels more like a bullet to my chest. Others, like a nagging ache that seeps through my bones until I feel like I can't move or speak or think anymore.

Burdened. Bullet-struck. Broken-down. By something I can't even name.

Have you ever felt so alone that you were not just by yourself, but separated from yourself? That even you didn't want to be with you? I have. The lazy haze of a summer afternoon can shine a piercing light into my sense of reality and I find it hard to breathe without sobbing.

If anyone held a mirror to me in those moments, I would turn my head and wince. Even though on good days hugs are my pick-me-ups, on bad days I avoid them whenever I can. I am a cord creating my own tension as the gears in my mind are grinding with uncertainties. What do they think of me? What do people believe about who I am? What do I know about how to live this life You've given me? What was I thinking? How did I get here? Am I really this much of a failure? My pulse quickens. My forehead flushes with heat. My eyes dart downward.

And suddenly, I am the child curled up under the covers so I can't hear my parents yelling at each other through those old pink walls. I am the student heaving with anxiety as the math tests are passed out and I am terrified of missing a step on the "show-your-work" section. I am the 10-year-old kid who rushed into action on the last item of her chore list when Dad's truck pulled into the driveway just so he wouldn't know it wasn't all done..so she wouldn't fail. I am the friend who cannot bear the 0.02 difference between my best friend's GPA and hers because she just will never measure up. I am the sister who's sure that everyone else is in on some secret she missed about how to be part of the family.

In one split second, I am transported from a 23-year-old woman to a shaking child in a corner afraid of her own blurry reflection.

How? Why?

Because I cannot fix it. No matter how hard I try, THIS is all I have in me. And it just seems so insignificant. Certainly not enough.

I have tried lots of words to translate the waves that seem to ebb and flow within me. Anxiety. Depression. The blues. Detachment. Sadness. Frustration. Perfectionism. Loneliness. Homesickness. Disappointment. Fear. Fear is close, but it cannot be IT. Not fully.

The closest translation I can find is DARK. The DARK. This thing that isn't really there, but is merely the absence of light. This thing that can be as scary for a 50-year-old man in a house as it is for a 5-year-old girl trying to sleep. This thing that surrounds us intangibly, but whose presence can be sensed. This cold emptiness that offers nothing but silence in which your thoughts can haunt you with almost unbounded freedom.

I don't live my life in the dark, thank God, but I have visited there. Far more often than I have ever wanted and far more recently than I find easy to admit. The dark is a real place for me and it is always just within my reach--beckoning with the scent of a powerful painkiller that once ingested, just brings more pain.

Today, I feel it. In the political news of a sickening federal election season. In the tragedies that have lost us the lives of Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, 5 members of the Dallas Police, and especially countless terror victims around the world.

In the blog posts of popular writers that bewail the necessity of separation and divorce for the sake of "self-peace." In the exaltation of evil and the consistent neglect of compassion and charity for those who are different than us.

In longings for more. More stability, more safety, more family, more time.

The dark comes in, but the only way I survive is knowing it can't win. It may have me for another day, but it will not have me for all my days.

Because there is purpose in this life. There is meaning and joy and kindness and safety and love. People cannot give me those things--at least not fully--but Jesus can. And if you find yourself walking with me through some dark season in your life right now, let's work on remembering that Jesus is with us. Even in the dark. And He is our light when we can't find it.

John 8:12 - Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life."

2 Corinthians 4:6 - For God, who said, "Light shall shine out of darkness," is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

1 Peter 2:9 - But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God's OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

Answered and To-be-Answered Prayers

If you are anything like me, I bet sometimes you wonder if God really is listening when you pray and when you have longing in your heart. Even if you know He is listening and you've always been taught that He is listening, you wonder. And like me, I bet sometimes you forsake prayer because it feels like one giant disconnected rambling--like you are on the phone with a friend talking about what's going on in your life but they hung up on the other end before you even started talking.

Does that sound familiar? If so, you are not alone.

I wrote a song a few years ago, while I was in university, that I just remembered this week while I sat at my piano. I wrote the lyrics at a time when it felt like all I ever did was wait. I was waiting to graduate, waiting for family relationships to heal, waiting to see my long-distance fiance, waiting to get married, then waiting to move to Canada after being married 9 months. I remember sobbing in the basement music room in my dorm just asking God why it felt like everything took such a long time. And these are the words that I wrote as I talked to Him:

Lord, I asked you why it was taking so long

And I asked you why I'd been waiting so long

But the answer was not what I was expecting

You cradled my head in your hands and said
"This is a blessing..

'Cause when you wait, you find I see you through

When you break, you feel me mending you

When you cannot see, you realize I make the blind to see

When you fall, I pick you up again

When you cry, I wipe your tears with my hand

When everything seems lost, 

You learn the power of the cross"

Lord, I'm still here waiting for your strong hand to move

But I know your silence doesn't mean you've ever ceased to love

And though perfection's not what I'm expecting

It's so hard to see with blurred eyes...that this is your blessing
But you say--

"When you wait, you find I see you through

When you break, you feel me mending you

When you cannot see, you realize I make the blind to see

When you fall, I pick you up again

When you cry, I wipe your tears with my hand

When everything seems lost, 

You learn the power of the cross"

Oh, waiting isn't easy when the wait seems just too long

And healing is so painful when the pain seems just too strong

But looking up to Jesus, I know there is something more

Greater than all I've been asking for

Greater than all I've been asking for...

When I wait, I find you see me through

When I break, I feel you making me new

When I cannot see, I realize you make my blind eyes see

When I fall, you pick me up again

When I cry, you wipe my tears with your hand

When everything seems lost, 

I learn the power of the cross..

Oh, when everything was lost

And I had no strength to stand
You brought me to the cross

And outstretched your nail-pierced hand
You promised me you'd stay 

Be beside me all the way

And the waiting would be worth it all

One day.

Even reading the words as I type them brings back memories of those hard moments. But it also calls to mind the moments that God really did answer. I think of the day of my graduation when I walked across the stage and accomplished what I had set out to do four years earlier. I think of the day my husband asked me to marry him and the day we said "I do." I think of the day we made the trek to our new home in Canada and the border officer gave me a longer visa than I expected. I think of the day very recently when I received my work authorization and my approval for permanent residence in my new country. I think of the relationships in my family that have been mended and the many relationships in my new family that have helped me transition into life here.

I look back over my short life thus far and never--never ever--has God failed or forsaken me. He is always faithful, even when I'm not. He is always providing, even when I am impatient.

Today, I look inside my heart and recognize the same kinds of longings I had then, just for different things: for meaningful work, for a home, for a family of my own, and for a close community of friends. Sometimes, the weight of my own expectations is heavier than I ever thought it could be.

Have you ever felt that way?

It can be hard to get up and face the world convinced that I'm not the independent, energetic, spiritually tough woman I wish I was. It can be hard to forge relationships with people who I'm sure will get sick of me or who I'm sure I will offend at some point and scare away. It can be hard just because it's hard. No explanation. Some days are just harder than others.

But praise God, He is there for all of them. Faithful in every moment of every day of every week of every month of every year. Faithful when I'm weak and when I try to be strong. Faithful when I'm a great wife and when I'm not, when I'm a great servant and when I'm not, when I'm a great daughter or sister and when I'm not.

When I look around my community of friends and family and around the world, my life and my problems seem too insignificant to burden anyone with them. God has blessed me with so much that I often forget to thank Him for. But He doesn't instruct me to pray only for the things that seem acceptable to pray for; He doesn't filter my words so I sound like a better person than I am. God only asks for "come as you are" prayers.

I come to Him with my impatience, my jealousy, my anger, my sadness, my disappointment, and my pride. I come to give those things over to Him and to let Him change me. But I also come to Him with these things because they are real--they are emotions I have that I'm not intended to mask, but to deal with. And God knows them already because HE KNOWS ME.

John says in 1 John 5 (AMP), "This is the [remarkable degree of] confidence which we [as believers are entitled to] have before Him: that if we ask anything according to His will, [that is, consistent with His plan and purpose] He hears us. And if we know [for a fact, as indeed we do] that He hears and listens to us in whatever we ask, we [also] know [with settled and absolute knowledge] that we have [granted to us] the requests which we have asked from Him."

God does hear. He does answer. And even when it seems like answers are a long time coming, we can be confident that He hasn't abandoned us. He is working behind the scenes to make the waiting process worth it, to teach us lessons we would otherwise have failed to learn, to humble us and make us grateful dependent people who are unafraid to come as we are and let Him trade us His joy for our disappointments.

Settling into Sacred Solitude...

When the inevitable distance and distraction seep in, sometimes writing prayers really does bring Him close and let us refocus. Prayer really does change us; it's amazing how the first words can feel forced and far away as they come out and yet the last words feel almost as if He is holding your hand and sitting beside you. If you feel at all the way I felt earlier today, I invite you to draw close to God in prayer with me..

Father, it can be hard to call you Father when we have experienced the failures of human fathers.

Lord, it can be hard to call you Lord when we are ashamed to admit we haven't always bowed to your authority when we should have.

Almighty, we know that name can sound too distant.
Abba, that name can sound irreverently intimate.

Yahweh. The One who is the great "I AM." Perhaps Yahweh is the surest way for us to see you in a category all your own, in a lens undefiled by human weakness. You simply ARE. And you are Father and Lord and Almighty and Abba. To us, You are ALL--all that we need or could ask for.

We are so unworthy to come into the presence of One who has eternally existed and will eternally exist, One who is always right within our reach and yet infinitely above us in every single way, One who is holy and just and yet tender and merciful, One who cannot be near a single sin and but overflows with love and grace for sinners who are so full of sin they can be blinded to its presence.

Your very essence is paradox. 1 being in 3 persons. Creator of the Universe coming into that universe as the poor homely baby of a teenage unwed mother. Who could have imagined You in all of your majesty and all of your compassion? Who could have dreamed up anyone so powerful yet so pure?

You sent your Son to redeem us, to make us clean, to forgive every one of our sins. He died so we can live. Thank you, Lord. You never owed us anything, but You have given us everything.

Tonight we come to you recognizing that our situation is desperate. Without your Holy Spirit, we are powerless to fight the tide of evil that seems to surge toward us faster than we have ever seen it before. Hatred and distrust are on every side--politics reek of corruption and greed for power, churches dissolve into social clubs and soapboxes instead of houses of worship, families disintegrate with infidelity, abuse, and neglect, and whole communities..cities..countries grit their teeth in fear of the harm that's just around the corner. Sometimes we look around and wonder if we are watching life pass by in two alternating viewfinders--one with sunny days, spring flowers, and children's laughter and the other with drizzling rain, dead tree branches, and a layer of old litter strewn along a riverbank. We wonder if the world really is nurturing us or if it is actually trying to numb us to our separation from You.

Last Sunday, Pastor Richard told us we have become contented with Christ's absence..that we have forgotten that every good thing the world can offer will PALE in comparison to Christ's presence. It sure seems like he's right, Lord. Have we simply gotten used to You not being around? Have we become desensitized to your work in our lives to the point where we would rather you stay in a little compartment in the corner of our lives...where on Sundays you come out for a visit and the rest of the week, we lock You away to avoid inconvenience or scorn?

Shame on us, Father. Forgive us for disregarding time with You, for ignoring and disobeying the truth of your Word, for failing to pray because we fail to acknowledge your willingness to answer and to act on behalf of your people.

Almighty God, we ask you to bring revival to this nation, this continent, this planet. The kind of revival that doesn't merely count converts or teach them the 5 basic rules of successful American Christianity or enforce intellectual dogmas. No, that is less like revival than it is like suicide. Tonight we ask for a revival in hearts around this globe, Lord. We pray for a new desire to love like You love, to serve like You serve, to teach truth like You teach truth, to spread grace like You spread grace. Because the truth is? We are all in the same position..no matter our background, our gender, our age, orour experiences. We are all sinners who are in need of a Savior. A Savior who can wash us clean and make us saints.

You know, revival has to start in our hearts anyway or it doesn't really make us alive, does it? How many times have you told us about the importance of our hearts.. from our hearts flow the springs of life. Well, that life is what we need. We plead, Lord, give us hearts that are open to You and to the people you call us to love and share your good news with.

We pray for those who need You tonight in very tangible ways:

For the refugees away from home tonight in so many countries and camps that we cannot name them all..we pray for peace in their homelands and provision for the lives they are beginning in other places. Reach them with your love and with the message of Jesus, Father.

For the poor and the homeless whose lives have become something very different than they ever imagined. We pray that you would provide them with food and shelter and use your people to provide it..that the love of Christ would grip them in a way that no sorrow, despair, or addiction has ever gripped them before. give them warmth and comfort, Lord, and show us ways that we can be a part of your mission to them.

For the sick and hurting, those who wrestle with health issues and fears and those who are mourning a loved one or the loss of a relationship that meant something priceless to them. Their pain is real, Lord, but you are Healer and Comforter and you are even more real than our struggles. Help them to reach for you when circumstances try to pull them away from you.

For the sin-weary and struggling, especially for those who have been blinded to their own misery and have dulled their sense with a pleasure to a point where they cannot even feel the weariness anymore. Father, if it takes rock-bottom to bring your elect into the kingdom, we pray that they would come to that place and encounter you. For your people who even tonight are battling besetting sins that seem have their teeth sunk in deep, give them power to overcome those temptations and patterns in Jesus' name. Break those chains, Almighty God, because only You can truly break the chains that bind us.

For the oppressors, we pray that You would stop them in their tracks. Those who profit from the sale of innocent women and children, those who profit from the exploitation of workers and families, those who gain power from stealing power from the weak. Change them, Father, and frustrate their plans.

For the oppressed, strengthen them with supernatural courage and rescue them in your will, Lord. Help them trust You in suffering and save them so that they can rejoice in their salvation and show your glory to a weak and weary world.

Father, we need your help and care in every area of our lives. Bless our marriages. Bless our children. Bless our churches. Bless our career lives. Bless our academic pursuits. Bless our bodies. Bless our homes. And in all of this, we pray that you will show your glory and goodness through us.

Yahweh, you know the end from the beginning and you have heard every word of our prayer. We know that You are always good, always wise, always just, always loving. Remind us of who You are as we lay our heads on our pillows tonight. Remind us that you promise to answer if we simply believe that you will. Most importantly of all, help our hearts to remember all You are, all You have given for us, and all You have entrusted to us as ambassadors for your Son.

Thank you, Yahweh, for being the only God who is worthy of our worship and praise. Thank you for choosing us to be your worshippers and to be partakers of your unbelievable grace.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

From Cynicism to Clarity

Police are killing unarmed black men and walking away from their trials with the smug smiles of freedom. Teenage gang members are stabbing and killing each other over a wrong look, a wrong move, or a wrong connection. Men who have cheated on their wives are killing themselves as the marriages they weakened with infidelity shatter in a million pieces.

Planned Parenthood is condemning companies for (gasp!) "humanizing fetuses" while they treat women and their babies more like machines than living miracles. Children are being locked up for coming to "the land of the free" for shelter, food, and safety. ISIS proudly beheads men, women, and children in the name of their "God." Presidential candidates gloat in their wealth, lie to gain power, revel in racist rhetoric, and callously act like human lives are pawns in their own games.

Our friends betray us. Our families ostracize us. Our communities grow more disconnected by the day. Our churches are catering to the worst in us instead of challenging us to be the best in us.

People, this world is not what we wanted. It's not what we dreamed about as kids and it's not what we dream about for our own kids. The pain and tension is so palpable we run from any news that isn't interspersed with crude jokes or entertaining video montages that relieve us with a laugh when all we want to do is cry. The judgment and disinterest we fear from others forces us into little smartphone-lit caves.

Have you noticed that our rationale for daily life is becoming more and more motivated by fear and hopelessness? "People are cruel and condescending, so I'm not even going to try to trust them. Work is hard and far from rewarding, so why bother giving it the best I've got? I am discouraged and depressed, so I'm going to hide in my room to keep anyone from noticing. I can't stand a single candidate in a government race right now, so there is no way I'm voting. My brain is too tired to read anything so I'm going to watch a show that doesn't make me think. Guys/girls have broken my heart enough and made me feel stupid, no way I'm getting married. I'm already broke and tired, so there is no way I'm going to have children." And the mental conversation goes on and on in the same way.

What can we do? The ship is going down, and we're on it...so we may as well get nice and drunk, fix our minds literally anywhere else, and prepare for the worst so the pain is bearable when we drown. Right? That's all there is, isn't it?

Wrong. That ISN'T all there is.

Like many of you, I'm sure, I've been really down lately. Down on my society, down on myself, down on my situation in life, down on my relationships. Some days, things just look hopeless from every available angle.

But, I have been forgetting that there is another lens--God's. It is almost always the very LAST one my heart chooses to look through. And what would I see if I looked around me with God's eyes?

Sure, I'd see brokenness. I'd see sin and despair and agony and injustice. But I would also see unbelievable hope. I would see people loving each other in even the smallest ways. I would see souls just waiting for someone to introduce them to the overflowing love of Jesus. I would see communities that could grow deeper if they learned how to truly practice grace. I would see marriages and families that could be united if they just learned how to see themselves and each other the way God sees.

If I saw with God's eyes, every single person on this earth would be ripe for redemption. Every single situation would be on the precipice of proclaiming His glory. He doesn't see as we see. Because His love is never partial, His power is never limited, His grace is never earned or bought, and His plans are never able to be thwarted. When He looks at our lives, He sees His own sovereignty and desperately wants us to see it too.

It can be incredibly hard to rest in the knowledge that He knows when we don't, especially since we can't see Him or feel Him near. But HE DOES. And thank God that we have His promises to remind us.

Praying we will feel that reality this week, no matter the circumstances. That our jaded vision will become clear and that we will know the joy of trusting in a faithful God.

Life in the Shallow End

Please forgive me, my wonderful readers, for taking a few moments to vent. At myself. And at everyone else.

Pardon me, but WHO ASKED US? I mean, how many times in the past 24 hours has anyone actually asked us our opinion on anything in their lives? Once? Twice? If you're like me, none.

Yet how many times have I chosen to criticize people in my head for every single thing they have done that I don't like? Gracious, people, let's not pretend we don't do this. We do it out of habit, often without even realizing it. But those judgments we make profoundly impact our joy and our perspective when viewing the people around us.

Here's an example. As my Facebook friends know by now, I am no great fan of Donald Trump. In fact, I find his manner and ideas and lifestyle positively sickening. But, this is the real shocker...nobody asked me. In other words, I am free to tell the world how little I think of him and free to suggest that they think what I think; however, I am not entitled to treat them badly if they decide not to think what I think. If I ran into Donald Trump or one of his misguided supporters on the street somewhere, I should still treat them with decency and discretion despite my opinion. 

Do I want to? No. Do I know I should? Yes.

This is the point at which I want to stop writing, to stop thinking about the difficult teachings of Jesus, and to stop evaluating my own motivations and prejudices. It is so much easier to behave like a know-it-all who has all the answers to everyone else's problems. (Like I don't have any! Ha!) 

I don't like exposing myself to be flawed and hypocritical, but I do think it's time we all do exactly that. In this new world of global connections and Twitter followers and Instagram and citizen journalism, we all have incredible reach. People from around the world read our words, see our photos, and listen to our opinions on various subjects. That's legitimately terrifying. 

It might be cool to have thousands of people caring about what we think, but shouldn't that inspire us to think about things worth thinking about? Shouldn't we be talking about the things in our lives and in our world that truly matter? The things Jesus talked about?

Scripture. Relationships. Justice. Compassion. Worship. Money. Morality. Faith. Love. Forgiveness. Authenticity. Healing.

I am guilty of making my opinions matter more in my heart than God's opinions. I often try to make the issues that matter to me (the still very human me) into the issues that matter to God. I can pontificate on various subjects like the foods I like and dislike, the clothes I like and dislike, the singers I like and dislike, and the movies I like and dislike. Many of my friends have said "Yikes, you should be a food critic..or a film critic..or a fashion critic." Sadly, they are right. Notice the operative word in all of those? Critic. I put my little round head into everything and come out with a firm opinion on every detail of it. Yes, I am admitting it. It is one of the things I like least about myself.

I feel the urge to correct people's grammar, their fashion, their hair, their theology, their lifestyle choices, their choice of date or spouse, their career, their diet, etc. (I try very hard to resist most of the time, but it comes out. I'm sorry especially to my family for this one, as I think I feel a bit too free with you all because I love you.) But the crazy part is...I absolutely hate when they correct me! On anything. I find critical people incredibly irritating and I avoid every encounter that I can with them. But, you know what I'm doing? Being critical right back.

So, I have a plan to cut out the critical beast in me. And here it is. I'm gonna round up the controversies and get those barriers down once and for all.

If you are rich, I will not criticize your wealth, how you got the wealth, or how you use it.

If you are poor, I will not criticize your lack of wealth, how you don't have it, or how you use what you have,

If you are what I call "the picture of health," I will not mock your concern for diet, exercise, and health products because I don't choose it.

If you are what I call "unhealthy," I will not label you as such or mock your lack of concern for diet, exercise, and health products because I don't choose it.
If you do not claim faith in Jesus, I will not belittle you or call you a fool despite my disagreement with the logic that led you to that choice.

If you identify as a homosexual, I will not use that as a weapon against for you any reason, even if I disagree with that choice.

If you are pro-choice, I will not tear you down or rip you apart because I disagree with your position on abortion.
If you are married or not married, having children or not having children, I will not comment on your choices unless you welcome me to do so. (Quite frankly, I am aware that you don't care what I think.)
If you are anti-vaccines or pro-vaccines, I will not ask you to abandon your stance or share my own.
If you are a homeschooling parent or you send your kids to public schools, I will support you being who you're supposed to be--the PARENT who makes those decisions for their kids.
If you are a person of color, I will not invalidate your concerns or pretend mine are more important.

If you do not know how to talk about or deal with race in a healthy way, I will forgive that and treat you with respect (because I think all of us are sometimes unsure). 

If you are pro-Trump or pro-Hillary or pro-Rubio or pro-Bernie or pro-not voting at all, I will not call you names or criticize your political opinions, even if I share my own and they are different. (If I have done so previously, I am sorry. I do not want to be that).
If you are an enterpreneur and invite me to buy or sell something, I will not judge you for working hard to build a business and share good ideas with others, even if it is not something I can currently participate in.

If you have a sarcastic sense of humor, I will kindly understand that your comments are in good fun and are not personal attacks.
If you are a sensitive person and do not have that sarcastic sense of humor, I will kindly understand that those comments can be hurtful because we are not the same person and refrain from criticizing your sensitivity or treading on it in the future.
If you are in ANY WAY different from what I think I am or what I would choose you to be, I will treat you with dignity, consideration, and kindness and apologize when my sinful heart keeps me from doing so.

I hope others will join me. And I pray Jesus will help me.

Because His words are hard. They mean I become smaller in my own head and I become weak in everyone else's head and...I surrender my will to fix everyone to His will to embrace everyone with the gospel.

Choosing to reject a critical attitude is not the same as erasing my views and convictions. Choosing to love people who disagree with me is not the same as choosing to agree with them. Choosing to live a life as devoid of prejudices and cynical responses as possible is not about becoming a reflection of everyone else; it's about becoming a reflection of the Jesus who willingly engages with EVERYONE--no matter how "other" they may seem.

If there is one thing I hope people around me will say when my ashes are being spread out somewhere, I hope it will be that they saw something of Jesus in me. I hope my husband will say that I knew how to be honest, how to forgive, and how to keep the seriousness of life from becoming altogether too serious. I hope my kids will say that their mom showed them a little something of the Jesus she taught them to love. I hope that the people who know me and work with me and live their lives with me will say that my life was about something more than me and my "opinions." 

I hope they say I loved well and didn't pass love out on a merit basis. Because, the Lord knows, I would never have earned His. I don't deserve all the love and blessings I have received in this life. Not from God. Not from others. But, by the grace of God, I am loved and blessed. And if Jesus had taught us nothing else in His ministry, we should remember this: do for others what we want them to do for us, and love each other as He has loved us. (Matthew 7:12 -- John 13:34)

It's a tall order, but an incredible goal. Here's to day 1 in the journey, friends.

Notes or Noise

Tonight, I went out in the snow to the gym for one of my new favorite activities: BodyFlow. It is a workout composed of tai-chi, yoga, and Pilates (all things I NEVER thought I would be caught doing). Believe me, I have the balance of an elephant, still have trouble with my lefts and rights, and have formerly found these "centering" workouts to be nothing but a money grab. But over the past several weeks, I have found the peace of that classroom space super helpful in dealing with anxieties and helping me manage my health. 

While we began the final meditative segment of our hour-long class, I became captivated by the music.

I normally use this time to pray, to turn my focus from the somewhat meaningless words of the instructor toward the grace of God. But tonight, I just stopped and listened to the music play. I was struck by just how blessed I am to be able to sit in a warm room while it storms outside, how blessed I am to know that I am never alone, how incredibly blessed I am to be still breathing, still seeing, still speaking, still experiencing the best moments of life with people I love around me.

And as the piano melody spun in my head, it's like I felt Jesus holding my hand. The way I used to feel Him on my prayer walks through the wooded streets around my parents' house or in my quiet moments on the back steps of my childhood home. The way I have felt Him when I was on my knees crying for some sense of home in family struggles and life transitions. The way I have felt Him when friends have held my shoulders and prayed for me when I can't find the words. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's like I felt Him comforting me as I breathed and listened.

Then, all of sudden, noisy dance club music came blaring through the classroom from the outer doors. Some tough guys were weightlifting just outside and my thoughts were interrupted. The two songs seemed to fight each other for prominence. I tried to listen to one, but kept getting pulled back by the other.

"Oh. Wow."  I pulled my knees into my chest as I recognized the lesson God had for me in that short conflict.

I believe God is the creator of every form of beauty on this earth. I believe it is for His joy and our joy. And as a musician (amateur at best), I believe God writes all the truly beautiful music in this world. He puts the words together and He chooses the notes. And our lives as His children are meant to be a part of that bigger song. The song of brokenness and redemption, of mourning and celebration, of wandering and return, of falling and rising back up. I'm supposed to be living that story in a way that makes other people want to know who wrote it; the music needs an audience drawn to the musician for it to be transformative.

But so many times, I'm not the music...I'm the noise. When I let envy and bitterness fester in my heart. When I react in anger. When I give in to temptation. When I let my eyes go where they shouldn't, my mind go where it shouldn't, my soul go where it shouldn't. When I grow sick with greed, lust, doubt and distrust. When I clamor for attention and significance. When I show far more of my messed-up self to the people around me than I ever show of God.

I don't want to be the noise that keeps other people from hearing the music of the gospel. It's the best news in the world! It's the one truth in this world I gladly stake my life on. It tells me that I am a mess, that God is perfection, and that He gave everything He had to trade me my mess for His perfection. How unbelievable to be part of such a perfect story.

You want romance? Mystery? Suspense? Adventure? It's all here, people. You want music to dance to? To cry to? To celebrate to? To relax to? It's all here. God's story--God's song--grants us the full expression of every single desire we have for good. And I mean every single one. It is His grace that allows us to enjoy some of the things we enjoy most on this earth: delicious food; beautiful places to see; a child's laughter; music; sex; emotions; dancing; relaxing; reading; etc. What He has done throughout history is the basis for every truly great story ever told and every great musical piece ever written. He holds our breath in His hands and He chooses to keep on giving it.

As I lay there in the darkness, I couldn't help but mouth the thoughts in my heart. "Lord, forgive me for being more noise than music. Forgive me for playing the wrong notes and being so out-of-tune with Your program sometimes. Help me listen for what You need me to hear so I can be part of the music you play and remind the world of Your love and grace. And help me drown out the noise of sin and selfishness so there is no voice vying for my attention except Yours."

This is my prayer for all of us.

The whole world is doing a good job of distracting us with entertainment and fun, making us fear and despair, and turning our attention from what matters to what doesn't. It is stealing our hearts and minds from the Gospel story and directing us to gimmicks. We see what IS right now without thinking about what came before or will come after. We praise (or despise or laugh at) political figures, all the while forgetting that they are little temporary specks in front of an eternal God. We put every ounce of energy into career or family or romance or education, forgetting that these things can drain us completely dry if they are not rooted in something much bigger than themselves. 

But while it is easy to get caught up in the noise swirling around our heads, we should take a moment to step back and listen for the song. What is the bigger picture? What is the larger story in all of this?

Most important of all, what is God trying to say to us in all of this that we have not been able to hear? And, how can we live our lives in a way that makes that truth impossible to drown out?

The Financial Façade

Money. That stuff we really want but can't admit we want...and that we really don't talk about because it's super private (even though it actually isn't). I mean, let's be real here. Is anyone actually going to tell me they have never had ANY money issues? I doubt it. So let's stop being awkward about something that is genuinely confusing, often depressing, and literally affecting every.one. of us.

Whether it's under-earning, overspending, hoarding, or wasting...money gets us deep in its grip. And by money I mean everything money affects...things like our social status and our homes and our ridiculously enormous collections of stuff.

Let me just clarify where I'm coming from here. I'm recently married, a recent college graduate with no current job (as I wait for legal documents to work), and sharing a budget with my hubby who works a blue collar job. We live in a pretty absurdly expensive city and we live a beautiful life despite perhaps not having everything we ever imagined for ourselves. Such is life.

However, I willingly admit that there are days when all I can think about is how to get out of this place, how to settle down, how to make more money without being able to work, how to find meaningful and fulfilling work for both of us, how we're ever going to have a family, etc. My mind gets all twisted up in worries about WHAT'S NEXT. Does that sound familiar to you? Well, despite how many times I have convinced myself that it won't sound familiar to you, I think it does. Because the average person today has concerns about STUFF...often a level of concern extreme enough to completely decimate a family and a marriage.

Here is an example. My hubby and I have been married for only a year and a half, and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that 90% of our arguments and tensions have been about finances and our stuff. Which is seriously saying something because we have not even gotten to the stage where we have a house and kids and all of that. Yikes.

WHY do we let financial stress consume so much of our time and energy? Of course, some concern and caution is responsible and necessary. We have to work, we have to pay bills, we have to eat food, etc. But have I ever gone a day hungry? Nope. Have I ever slept on the street? No. Have I ever been chased down by a creditor threatening to take every penny I have? Thankfully, no. (I do not mean to take it lightly if you have experienced these things. That is incredibly hard and impossible for me to understand. But on the whole, I assume, most of us haven't.)

When I think about it, I am truly stunned. I am rich enough to have a warm apartment, a bed with multiple pillows, a kitchen with an electric stove and a refrigerator that controls its own temperature, a computer, TV, and smartphone, a well stocked pantry, a car that takes us where we need to go, and countless other luxuries that millions and millions of people will never have.

Who cares whether or not my bathroom is Pinterest-worthy? Who cares if the meals I make aren't "paleo" or "clean eating" or "gourmet"? Who cares if I would rather wear elastic-waist sweatpants than designer skinny jeans?

Listen, friends. We need to start being realistic about how much is enough. My body does NOT have to look like a Victoria's Secret model to be beautiful. My face does NOT have to be airbrushed or contoured or the perfect blend of shiny and matte so everyone can comment on how " glowing" I look. I do NOT have to dress up for a dolled-up photo when I fully intend on staying inside and seeing no one all day. My place does NOT have to be fragrant with diffused essential oils or waxed with special polish or decorated like a magazine just so someone can step inside my door and feel impressed. My husband does NOT have to wear "hipster" clothes and perfect hair for me to feel lucky to have him on my arm. We do NOT have to go on expensive dates with expensive wine to appreciate time with each other. In a nutshell, I do NOT have to "keep up with the Joneses" when I am completely unthreatened by them.

And I think that is the key. We HAVE allowed ourselves to be threatened by them (and by "we" I mean "me"). Jealousy and envy inch their way into our frusrated souls and we look around us. We see all of the deficits in our lives, all of the cracks and kinks and sticky situations. We see all of the beautiful moments in everyone else's lives and say, "Why is their life/marriage/family/work so PERFECT?" But the simple answer is: "It isn't." We see the good stuff--the makeup, the fashion, the beautiful wedding shots, the adorable angelic babies, the picture-perfect houses, the date nights full of flashy smiles--and then we assume it is the whole picture. But it is only the part of the picture that others WANT us to see. Those pictures and storybooks skip the anxious nights, the arguments, the puking spells, the spilled tomato sauce all over the stove, the acne and eczema, the stained yoga pants and frizzy hair. They skip all the messy parts that make up REAL LIFE.

We are missing the point when we focus on our cash and our stash. We look at the money we've made or should be making and the stuff we have or don't have, and then we tell ourselves--"time for more, time for better." This post is as much a challenge to my own heart as everyone else's.

Let's stop rubbing each other's noses in our successes so we feel better and our failures so they feel worse. Let's stop looking at the supposedly beautiful or carefree with bitterness and anger--and at the supposedly scattered and tattered with scorn and disapproval. Let's get over ourselves and let each other live our own lives. Can we handle that?

We are okay. We are enough. Don't diagnose me or try to fix me, and I'll willingly offer you that same courtesy. The sooner we drop the game of "lifestyle charades", the sooner we all find contentment in our own space, our own skin, and our own souls.

The Magic of the Mundane

It's amazing how the mundane routines of married life can bring such joy.

As I lie on our bed resting because I am not feeling well, I can hear the sink-water running in the kitchen as my husband washes the dishes in his meticulous way. While I was away from home for the past few weeks, he even cleaned our entire apartment so it would be perfect when I returned!

I think about our typical day and smile. In the morning when he rubs his eyes to wake up for work, I slide off the bed next to him, walk to the kitchen, and start cutting the apple for his packed lunch. We remind each other about the day's activities and appointments, kiss goodbye, and check in with each other to make sure we have reached our respective destinations. While grocery shopping, he pushes the cart and I lead the way. At night, we brush our teeth, making faces in the bathroom mirror. We climb into bed, eventually falling asleep to a synchronized breathing rhythm that somehow says all is right with the world. (Okay, I know that part's corny but it's totally true!) Marriage may not be glamorous, but it is full of beautiful moments that no book or counselor ever could have told me about.

It's also full of hard moments. Worry about finances and the future, worry about children you want or have or want back, worry about health and work, etc. It is difficult to communicate honestly without criticizing harshly. And it is especially hard to live out the "I love you" we sometimes say all too easily.

But I'm starting to learn that marriage is not a competition between each other or between our marriage and other people's marriages. It doesn't work when I waste my time needing to be right or needing to be perfect or needing to have everything in my life in place. If I have more career success than my husband (or vice versa), it doesn't make one of us better than the other. If my health or appearance or social status is worse (or better) than my spouse's, it doesn't alter the worth of either one of us. If, in my marriage, there is a financial stress that someone else's marriage might not have, it doesn't make theirs better. If they are able to have a family whenever they want and in my marriage we can't, it doesn't make theirs easier.

Every single couple has a love story and a togetherness story that is completely different than everyone else's. There are dynamics in our home that I wouldn't trade for the world..and that other people might scoff at. The glorious truth is that marriage involves only the 3 of us: me, him, and God. When we need help, we should seek it from other wiser couples, of course. But as we figure the little things out in the life we now get to share, there is so much room for us to just be..us.

While folding each other's underwear and watching Mr. Bean on a Friday night might not be the world's most exciting pastime, there is something about it that heals my soul from the hurts of the day. Why? Because no matter the simplicity and routine of our married life, we know that we chose this because we are completely invested in each other's success--emotionally, physically, spiritually. If the world was against me (and sometimes it feels like it is), I know two very important truths. 1) My God is for me, 2) my husband is for me.

The safety in that is worth all the stress that might come along with it. Sure, money can get really tight and living space can get really stifling and the future can seem really scary and family squabbles can be really frustrating...but I never have to sleep in the dark alone anymore. I never have to ask if anyone will miss me when I'm not around. In a marriage that never gives up, I am saved from feeling the aching loneliness that wants to drag me and hold me down.

This is why marriage is such a perfect reminder of Jesus' love for His church. He loves to free us, grow us, listen to us, comfort us, challenge us, and forgive us. He wants us to know Him and be known by Him. He wants us to trust Him even when we may not understand every piece; and He wants to love us sacrificially even when He knows we cannot fully grasp and return such love. And when our husbands even attempt to show us that kind of devotion and commitment, it becomes a source of deep security and joy.

Such grace to make and keep a covenant.
Such a blessing to have a soft place to fall when hard circumstances come crashing in.

Such a miracle to be married.