Does that sound familiar? If so, you are not alone.
I wrote a song a few years ago, while I was in university, that I just remembered this week while I sat at my piano. I wrote the lyrics at a time when it felt like all I ever did was wait. I was waiting to graduate, waiting for family relationships to heal, waiting to see my long-distance fiance, waiting to get married, then waiting to move to Canada after being married 9 months. I remember sobbing in the basement music room in my dorm just asking God why it felt like everything took such a long time. And these are the words that I wrote as I talked to Him:
Lord, I asked you why it was taking so long
And I asked you why I'd been waiting so long
But the answer was not what I was expecting
You cradled my head in your hands and said
"This is a blessing..
'Cause when you wait, you find I see you through
"This is a blessing..
'Cause when you wait, you find I see you through
When you break, you feel me mending you
When you cannot see, you realize I make the blind to see
When you fall, I pick you up again
When you cry, I wipe your tears with my hand
When everything seems lost,
You learn the power of the cross"
Lord, I'm still here waiting for your strong hand to move
Lord, I'm still here waiting for your strong hand to move
But I know your silence doesn't mean you've ever ceased to love
And though perfection's not what I'm expecting
It's so hard to see with blurred eyes...that this is your blessing
But you say--
But you say--
"When you wait, you find I see you through
When you break, you feel me mending you
When you cannot see, you realize I make the blind to see
When you fall, I pick you up again
When you cry, I wipe your tears with my hand
When everything seems lost,
You learn the power of the cross"
Oh, waiting isn't easy when the wait seems just too long
And healing is so painful when the pain seems just too strong
But looking up to Jesus, I know there is something more
Greater than all I've been asking for
Greater than all I've been asking for...
When I wait, I find you see me through
When I break, I feel you making me new
When I cannot see, I realize you make my blind eyes see
When I fall, you pick me up again
When I cry, you wipe my tears with your hand
When everything seems lost,
I learn the power of the cross..
Oh, when everything was lost
And I had no strength to stand
You brought me to the cross
You brought me to the cross
And outstretched your nail-pierced hand
You promised me you'd stay
You promised me you'd stay
Be beside me all the way
And the waiting would be worth it all
One day.
Even reading the words as I type them brings back memories of those hard moments. But it also calls to mind the moments that God really did answer. I think of the day of my graduation when I walked across the stage and accomplished what I had set out to do four years earlier. I think of the day my husband asked me to marry him and the day we said "I do." I think of the day we made the trek to our new home in Canada and the border officer gave me a longer visa than I expected. I think of the day very recently when I received my work authorization and my approval for permanent residence in my new country. I think of the relationships in my family that have been mended and the many relationships in my new family that have helped me transition into life here.
I look back over my short life thus far and never--never ever--has God failed or forsaken me. He is always faithful, even when I'm not. He is always providing, even when I am impatient.
Today, I look inside my heart and recognize the same kinds of longings I had then, just for different things: for meaningful work, for a home, for a family of my own, and for a close community of friends. Sometimes, the weight of my own expectations is heavier than I ever thought it could be.
Have you ever felt that way?
It can be hard to get up and face the world convinced that I'm not the independent, energetic, spiritually tough woman I wish I was. It can be hard to forge relationships with people who I'm sure will get sick of me or who I'm sure I will offend at some point and scare away. It can be hard just because it's hard. No explanation. Some days are just harder than others.
But praise God, He is there for all of them. Faithful in every moment of every day of every week of every month of every year. Faithful when I'm weak and when I try to be strong. Faithful when I'm a great wife and when I'm not, when I'm a great servant and when I'm not, when I'm a great daughter or sister and when I'm not.
When I look around my community of friends and family and around the world, my life and my problems seem too insignificant to burden anyone with them. God has blessed me with so much that I often forget to thank Him for. But He doesn't instruct me to pray only for the things that seem acceptable to pray for; He doesn't filter my words so I sound like a better person than I am. God only asks for "come as you are" prayers.
I come to Him with my impatience, my jealousy, my anger, my sadness, my disappointment, and my pride. I come to give those things over to Him and to let Him change me. But I also come to Him with these things because they are real--they are emotions I have that I'm not intended to mask, but to deal with. And God knows them already because HE KNOWS ME.
John says in 1 John 5 (AMP), "This is the [remarkable degree of] confidence which we [as believers are entitled to] have before Him: that if we ask anything according to His will, [that is, consistent with His plan and purpose] He hears us. And if we know [for a fact, as indeed we do] that He hears and listens to us in whatever we ask, we [also] know [with settled and absolute knowledge] that we have [granted to us] the requests which we have asked from Him."
God does hear. He does answer. And even when it seems like answers are a long time coming, we can be confident that He hasn't abandoned us. He is working behind the scenes to make the waiting process worth it, to teach us lessons we would otherwise have failed to learn, to humble us and make us grateful dependent people who are unafraid to come as we are and let Him trade us His joy for our disappointments.
Even reading the words as I type them brings back memories of those hard moments. But it also calls to mind the moments that God really did answer. I think of the day of my graduation when I walked across the stage and accomplished what I had set out to do four years earlier. I think of the day my husband asked me to marry him and the day we said "I do." I think of the day we made the trek to our new home in Canada and the border officer gave me a longer visa than I expected. I think of the day very recently when I received my work authorization and my approval for permanent residence in my new country. I think of the relationships in my family that have been mended and the many relationships in my new family that have helped me transition into life here.
I look back over my short life thus far and never--never ever--has God failed or forsaken me. He is always faithful, even when I'm not. He is always providing, even when I am impatient.
Today, I look inside my heart and recognize the same kinds of longings I had then, just for different things: for meaningful work, for a home, for a family of my own, and for a close community of friends. Sometimes, the weight of my own expectations is heavier than I ever thought it could be.
Have you ever felt that way?
It can be hard to get up and face the world convinced that I'm not the independent, energetic, spiritually tough woman I wish I was. It can be hard to forge relationships with people who I'm sure will get sick of me or who I'm sure I will offend at some point and scare away. It can be hard just because it's hard. No explanation. Some days are just harder than others.
But praise God, He is there for all of them. Faithful in every moment of every day of every week of every month of every year. Faithful when I'm weak and when I try to be strong. Faithful when I'm a great wife and when I'm not, when I'm a great servant and when I'm not, when I'm a great daughter or sister and when I'm not.
When I look around my community of friends and family and around the world, my life and my problems seem too insignificant to burden anyone with them. God has blessed me with so much that I often forget to thank Him for. But He doesn't instruct me to pray only for the things that seem acceptable to pray for; He doesn't filter my words so I sound like a better person than I am. God only asks for "come as you are" prayers.
I come to Him with my impatience, my jealousy, my anger, my sadness, my disappointment, and my pride. I come to give those things over to Him and to let Him change me. But I also come to Him with these things because they are real--they are emotions I have that I'm not intended to mask, but to deal with. And God knows them already because HE KNOWS ME.
John says in 1 John 5 (AMP), "This is the [remarkable degree of] confidence which we [as believers are entitled to] have before Him: that if we ask anything according to His will, [that is, consistent with His plan and purpose] He hears us. And if we know [for a fact, as indeed we do] that He hears and listens to us in whatever we ask, we [also] know [with settled and absolute knowledge] that we have [granted to us] the requests which we have asked from Him."
God does hear. He does answer. And even when it seems like answers are a long time coming, we can be confident that He hasn't abandoned us. He is working behind the scenes to make the waiting process worth it, to teach us lessons we would otherwise have failed to learn, to humble us and make us grateful dependent people who are unafraid to come as we are and let Him trade us His joy for our disappointments.
