New Life

It really is true that two births happen in a delivery room - the birth of a baby and the birth of a mother. The past four months have shown me that becoming a parent is like a new birth in so many ways. Every decision I make during the day and for the long term is precisely focused on what my son needs and what my husband and I will need to parent him well.

My first thought when I wake is that my baby needs me. My last thought before I close my eyes is that I need to be the mom he needs. Even now, knowing he is only an infant, I painstakingly replay the moments of my day when I was too impatient or too distracted and wonder how it affected him. I go over changes I need to make to raise him the way I want to - how I need to be healthier, how I need to be more disciplined, how I need to be more godly, how I need to be more focused and more fun. And, most of all, I spend the moments at night that I used to spend longing for a child in thanking God for this incredible gift.

Because yes, new motherhood is heavy but I don't think it's a burden. It weighs my heart with worry but only because it first overflows my heart with love. My mind thinks differently now but I have no aching to go back to my old thinking. Not for one moment.

When I became a mom for the first time four months ago, I began a new life. Truly new, with all the anxiety and apprehension and anticipation and adventure that newness brings. It's hard now to even remember life before but that is probably because I would rather not. The present is too precious.

I keep thinking about what Jesus said, "If you try to save your life, you will lose it. But if you give it up for me, you will surely find it." I know He is referencing something else here, but I think that verse reflects a huge reality in my life. The more I try to hang on to what I think will make me valuable - work performance, attractiveness, a perfectly decorated and clean home, participation in a million activities and ministries, etc. - the more it slips through my hands. But the more I give up my "plan A" plans and embrace a life I once thought I would despise, the more I am connecting with my real self. The self with a super loud laugh, a sagging ponytail, a drool-stained Star Wars T-shirt, and a nerdy obsession with rhymes and awkward dance moves.

Spending my days and weeks with this tiny human who depends on me and loves me just because I'm his mama has given me a new perspective on freedom.

To me, freedom isn't the chance to do what I want - it's the chance to be who I am. Freedom doesn't have to mean the celebration of independence - it can mean the celebration of interdependence.

In a world where men and women are both pressured to climb the ladder and prove our worth - to make a name for ourselves with education and enterpreneurship - it is easy to forget that many of the people who have shaped our lives and our character the most never climbed, never proved, and never received great recognition for their achievements. While we should all encourage each other to give our best to everything we do, I am learning to remember that the giving of our best doesn't always look the way we think it will.

Tonight as I listen to the rhythmic hum of the dishwasher and the dryer, and as I look at my son sleeping peacefully in his crib, I smile at this new life God has given me. Not just new because of my son's existence. Not just new because I am not working a full-time job anymore. New because I feel a deep sense of belonging here - here in this scarred body, here in this little family, here in this home of clutter and chaos, and here in this sacred moment at the intersection of the journey behind me and the journey ahead of me.

"I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free...His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me."

A World and a Church to Weep Over

Wow, so so many things have happened in my life since I last wrote almost 2 years ago. For those who may not know, I will do my best to sum these up in a few short snippets.

January 2017 - We moved into a new apartment 

August 2017 - We celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary

September 2017- We discovered we were expecting our first child

November 2017- My grandma passed away a few days after my last conversation with her

April 2018 - We discovered both my brother-in-law and my father-in-law had cancer, and I gave birth to a baby boy

May 2018 - My father-in-law passed away only weeks after diagnosis..

The blanks in between these few moments were filled with severe morning sickness, a pretty frustrating pregnancy complication, increasing stress at work, moments of anticipation and excitement and terror at the thought of becoming a mom, intense financial and physical fear, loneliness and homesickness, grieving and mourning, incredible joy watching my sweet baby grow and develop...I could go on. Suffice it to say that I have been forced to grow so much more in the past 12 months than I ever have in my short life. It has been worse and better than I could ever have imagined - if that makes any sense.

But the thing I have found most strange in all of these events is my deep mourning for what is all around me. In the midst of a season of incredible transition, uncertainty and grief in my personal life, I am struck by the often even more weighty pain I feel as a citizen of the world and a member of Christ's church. It has been a year full of sexual assault trials and family separations and pastoral scandals and harmful political rhetoric and blatant bigotry and insatiable greed. It has been a year full of denominational division and confusion and the denial of foundational truths and the embrace of elements previously foreign to orthodox evangelical worship.

I have wept listening to victim testimony at the trial of Larry Nassar, wept watching a mother mourn her son who was shot without cause, wept at the absurdity and horror of toddlers standing alone in immigration courts. I have wept seeing movie stars and CEOs and comedians and pastors take advantage of their power and influence to satisfy their own lust for sex and power and money. I have wept over refugees fleeing their homes ravaged by war and wept at the responses of others to their plight.

I have wept over Christian speakers celebrating sin in order to show a love that is not real love. I have wept over preachers and pastors dogmatically defending indefensible laws and policies while others have denied the very existence of the moral absolutes that should be informing the laws to begin with. I have wept over extreme warmth and acceptance that appeals to my heart but offends my intellect, and I have wept over extreme coldness and judgment that seems to make sense at the surface but crushes my soul with guilt and despair. 

I look at my sweet 3-month-old child as he sleeps beside me, his little chest rising and falling..and I weep for the world he will grow up in. More than that, I weep for the conversations we will have someday when he realizes that the safety of his mama's arms is not an adequate predictor of post-baby reality. 

Tonight, for the sake of others who may be feeling the way I do, I want to lay out 10 uncomfortable truths I am preparing to tell my child: 5 uncomfortable truths about the world and 5 uncomfortable truths about the Christian church.

"Dear Son, 

Here are some things we want you to know about the world we live in and the church you are growing up in. We love you and we are here for you. 

Some truths about the world...

1. You are deeply important to the God who created you and to your family, but mostly not important to the world around you - friends, teachers, bosses, doctors, colleagues, etc. Choose your connections wisely and remember that human beings are much more selfish at heart than they think they are. You need to rely on God first, be your own advocate, do your own research, trust your instincts and the instincts of those who love you most, and develop deep relationships slowly.

In a nutshell, even if you are safe and looking out for others, your social circle and those in authority over you are not automatically safe and looking out for you. They are likely to be looking out for themselves and what they can get.

2. In most cases, no one wants you to upset the status quo, to expose the truth, to confront oppression, or to be a unique individual at the cost of fitting in. It is up to YOU to decide when you must and should do all of those things, under God's direction. Others may hate you for doing the right thing, but you will bear the regret of not doing it and nothing is worth that. 

In a nutshell, the world around you prefers when you shut up and get out of the way. God does not provide us with that option when truth and integrity and our own callings are on the line.

3. Even the people who look the best, talk the best, write the best, and act the best, are PEOPLE AT BEST - human, prone to sin, fallible, and flawed. Do not put any human being on a pedestal and begin to assume that they are perfect or inevitably better than you. They will fall off and it will hurt you more than it hurts them. 

In a nutshell, comparing yourself to others or idolizing others will ruin your life and ruin your relationships. Resist the urge and pay attention to working on your own life so it can be the best it can be.

4. You will inevitably find out that you are more messed up than you think. It will be tempting to blame your parents and others (and yes, much of it will be partly their fault) but you need to recognize that you are mainly to blame for being messed up. You are a sinner after all, like everyone else, and it is up to you to take responsibility for your own desires, words, behavior, and choices. 

In a nutshell, own up when you do the wrong thing and work on making it right. Yeah, you'd rather not admit anything or work on anything but that's what growing up entails. God will help you..and your parents will respect you not hate you for it, I promise.

5. Long term and short term plans are both important. Think them through, write them down, act according to them...and be willing to scrap them quickly should you be required to do so. Life and work will not be what you plan, trips will not be what you plan, relationships will not be what you plan...but you should plan anyway. Ambition, organization, and adaptability are all important keys to navigating life in the real world.  

In a nutshell, have a detailed vision but don't get so blinded by it that you miss what you really need to see. Life is all about priorities and the monumental messes happen when those priorities get severely out of whack.

 Some truths about the Christian church...

 (Side note: Please join one! It IS important.)

1. God doesn't change, even when people do and say that He does. The Bible says what it says, even if people say that it doesn't. God created the world and He's still the same God He was then. His character and attributes are always the same and we rely on the Bible to know what they are and thus who He is.

In a nutshell, God can be known and trusted and the Bible can be known and trusted. He is not a figment of imagination, and it is not an arbitrary document to be interpreted in an arbitrary fashion.

2. Just like you should never just agree with something because your political party tells you to, you should just agree with something because your church/denomination, your pastor, or your Christian friends tell you to. You need to read and study the Word for yourself so you know what is truth and what is a lie that might look like truth. 

In a nutshell, church is not a check-the-boxes and agree-to-the-terms arrangement. Every belief and practice and choice in your life is to be guided by God and His Word, before Christian churches, celebrities, and subcultures have any say.

3. Your Christian brothers and sisters often think they are loving you when they are cruel or offensive - chalk that up to some faulty social education. By all means, let them know it is cruel and offensive and give them an opportunity to show love better - but if it happens once, try to remember that they are not Jesus and they fail. If it happens more than once, learn to expect less and also remember that they are not every Christian out there. They are still your spiritual family even if they do not necessarily do well showing it.

In a nutshell, even God's people can and will hurt you. Hold them to account when the circumstances require, but also forgive and move on. Bitterness won't solve anything. Love them the best you can and leave the rest to God.

4. You can disagree without dividing. Yes, you can and you must. There are teachings and practices some Christians will simply never agree on because the Scripture isn't clear or isn't vocal about an issue. From music to ministry style to missions to men's wardrobes, people in churches are good at finding things to argue about. Forget it. Even significant theological disagreements can be discussed between friends without destroying friendships or dividing churches. 

In a nutshell, always be teachable, be educationally opinionated, and be willing to disagree amicably - simultaneously. Don't make huge disasters out of small discrepancies.

5. Don't ever think that you have "arrived", or that you or your church has locked down the truth and no one else has it all right. Sanctification is a lifelong process and no Christ-follower, no matter their age or maturity, has attained any semblance of real perfection. We aim to be more and more Christlike and should join a group of believers also pursuing Christlikeness as the goal. We should never view our valuing of truth and sound doctrine as some sort of competitive edge. God's work and His Word are not exclusive to us.

In a nutshell, don't sit on your high horse and be condescending to anyone else. We are all equally sinners and equally undeserving of grace and equally LOVED by a great God. 

P.S. Above all of these truths, never get tired of GRACE. Never get sick of hearing it spoken of, never grow cold to the testimonies of how God's grace has reached into our ruined lives and restored our broken places. Never grow immune to the glorious gospel of grace that tells us we are broken and sinful but that God reached down to where we were and offered up His only Son to make us whole and to secure forgiveness for all of our sin. In his GRACE, he chose us to be sons and daughters of the Most High God. Grace is enough to not only revolutionize our churches, but to invigorate our world. Extend grace to the world around you and accept grace for yourself. You may grow to weep over what you see and hear and experience, but grace will allow you to see everything the way that God sees it - ripe for redemption and renewal.

Love, 

Your Mama