From Cynicism to Clarity

Police are killing unarmed black men and walking away from their trials with the smug smiles of freedom. Teenage gang members are stabbing and killing each other over a wrong look, a wrong move, or a wrong connection. Men who have cheated on their wives are killing themselves as the marriages they weakened with infidelity shatter in a million pieces.

Planned Parenthood is condemning companies for (gasp!) "humanizing fetuses" while they treat women and their babies more like machines than living miracles. Children are being locked up for coming to "the land of the free" for shelter, food, and safety. ISIS proudly beheads men, women, and children in the name of their "God." Presidential candidates gloat in their wealth, lie to gain power, revel in racist rhetoric, and callously act like human lives are pawns in their own games.

Our friends betray us. Our families ostracize us. Our communities grow more disconnected by the day. Our churches are catering to the worst in us instead of challenging us to be the best in us.

People, this world is not what we wanted. It's not what we dreamed about as kids and it's not what we dream about for our own kids. The pain and tension is so palpable we run from any news that isn't interspersed with crude jokes or entertaining video montages that relieve us with a laugh when all we want to do is cry. The judgment and disinterest we fear from others forces us into little smartphone-lit caves.

Have you noticed that our rationale for daily life is becoming more and more motivated by fear and hopelessness? "People are cruel and condescending, so I'm not even going to try to trust them. Work is hard and far from rewarding, so why bother giving it the best I've got? I am discouraged and depressed, so I'm going to hide in my room to keep anyone from noticing. I can't stand a single candidate in a government race right now, so there is no way I'm voting. My brain is too tired to read anything so I'm going to watch a show that doesn't make me think. Guys/girls have broken my heart enough and made me feel stupid, no way I'm getting married. I'm already broke and tired, so there is no way I'm going to have children." And the mental conversation goes on and on in the same way.

What can we do? The ship is going down, and we're on it...so we may as well get nice and drunk, fix our minds literally anywhere else, and prepare for the worst so the pain is bearable when we drown. Right? That's all there is, isn't it?

Wrong. That ISN'T all there is.

Like many of you, I'm sure, I've been really down lately. Down on my society, down on myself, down on my situation in life, down on my relationships. Some days, things just look hopeless from every available angle.

But, I have been forgetting that there is another lens--God's. It is almost always the very LAST one my heart chooses to look through. And what would I see if I looked around me with God's eyes?

Sure, I'd see brokenness. I'd see sin and despair and agony and injustice. But I would also see unbelievable hope. I would see people loving each other in even the smallest ways. I would see souls just waiting for someone to introduce them to the overflowing love of Jesus. I would see communities that could grow deeper if they learned how to truly practice grace. I would see marriages and families that could be united if they just learned how to see themselves and each other the way God sees.

If I saw with God's eyes, every single person on this earth would be ripe for redemption. Every single situation would be on the precipice of proclaiming His glory. He doesn't see as we see. Because His love is never partial, His power is never limited, His grace is never earned or bought, and His plans are never able to be thwarted. When He looks at our lives, He sees His own sovereignty and desperately wants us to see it too.

It can be incredibly hard to rest in the knowledge that He knows when we don't, especially since we can't see Him or feel Him near. But HE DOES. And thank God that we have His promises to remind us.

Praying we will feel that reality this week, no matter the circumstances. That our jaded vision will become clear and that we will know the joy of trusting in a faithful God.

Life in the Shallow End

Please forgive me, my wonderful readers, for taking a few moments to vent. At myself. And at everyone else.

Pardon me, but WHO ASKED US? I mean, how many times in the past 24 hours has anyone actually asked us our opinion on anything in their lives? Once? Twice? If you're like me, none.

Yet how many times have I chosen to criticize people in my head for every single thing they have done that I don't like? Gracious, people, let's not pretend we don't do this. We do it out of habit, often without even realizing it. But those judgments we make profoundly impact our joy and our perspective when viewing the people around us.

Here's an example. As my Facebook friends know by now, I am no great fan of Donald Trump. In fact, I find his manner and ideas and lifestyle positively sickening. But, this is the real shocker...nobody asked me. In other words, I am free to tell the world how little I think of him and free to suggest that they think what I think; however, I am not entitled to treat them badly if they decide not to think what I think. If I ran into Donald Trump or one of his misguided supporters on the street somewhere, I should still treat them with decency and discretion despite my opinion. 

Do I want to? No. Do I know I should? Yes.

This is the point at which I want to stop writing, to stop thinking about the difficult teachings of Jesus, and to stop evaluating my own motivations and prejudices. It is so much easier to behave like a know-it-all who has all the answers to everyone else's problems. (Like I don't have any! Ha!) 

I don't like exposing myself to be flawed and hypocritical, but I do think it's time we all do exactly that. In this new world of global connections and Twitter followers and Instagram and citizen journalism, we all have incredible reach. People from around the world read our words, see our photos, and listen to our opinions on various subjects. That's legitimately terrifying. 

It might be cool to have thousands of people caring about what we think, but shouldn't that inspire us to think about things worth thinking about? Shouldn't we be talking about the things in our lives and in our world that truly matter? The things Jesus talked about?

Scripture. Relationships. Justice. Compassion. Worship. Money. Morality. Faith. Love. Forgiveness. Authenticity. Healing.

I am guilty of making my opinions matter more in my heart than God's opinions. I often try to make the issues that matter to me (the still very human me) into the issues that matter to God. I can pontificate on various subjects like the foods I like and dislike, the clothes I like and dislike, the singers I like and dislike, and the movies I like and dislike. Many of my friends have said "Yikes, you should be a food critic..or a film critic..or a fashion critic." Sadly, they are right. Notice the operative word in all of those? Critic. I put my little round head into everything and come out with a firm opinion on every detail of it. Yes, I am admitting it. It is one of the things I like least about myself.

I feel the urge to correct people's grammar, their fashion, their hair, their theology, their lifestyle choices, their choice of date or spouse, their career, their diet, etc. (I try very hard to resist most of the time, but it comes out. I'm sorry especially to my family for this one, as I think I feel a bit too free with you all because I love you.) But the crazy part is...I absolutely hate when they correct me! On anything. I find critical people incredibly irritating and I avoid every encounter that I can with them. But, you know what I'm doing? Being critical right back.

So, I have a plan to cut out the critical beast in me. And here it is. I'm gonna round up the controversies and get those barriers down once and for all.

If you are rich, I will not criticize your wealth, how you got the wealth, or how you use it.

If you are poor, I will not criticize your lack of wealth, how you don't have it, or how you use what you have,

If you are what I call "the picture of health," I will not mock your concern for diet, exercise, and health products because I don't choose it.

If you are what I call "unhealthy," I will not label you as such or mock your lack of concern for diet, exercise, and health products because I don't choose it.
If you do not claim faith in Jesus, I will not belittle you or call you a fool despite my disagreement with the logic that led you to that choice.

If you identify as a homosexual, I will not use that as a weapon against for you any reason, even if I disagree with that choice.

If you are pro-choice, I will not tear you down or rip you apart because I disagree with your position on abortion.
If you are married or not married, having children or not having children, I will not comment on your choices unless you welcome me to do so. (Quite frankly, I am aware that you don't care what I think.)
If you are anti-vaccines or pro-vaccines, I will not ask you to abandon your stance or share my own.
If you are a homeschooling parent or you send your kids to public schools, I will support you being who you're supposed to be--the PARENT who makes those decisions for their kids.
If you are a person of color, I will not invalidate your concerns or pretend mine are more important.

If you do not know how to talk about or deal with race in a healthy way, I will forgive that and treat you with respect (because I think all of us are sometimes unsure). 

If you are pro-Trump or pro-Hillary or pro-Rubio or pro-Bernie or pro-not voting at all, I will not call you names or criticize your political opinions, even if I share my own and they are different. (If I have done so previously, I am sorry. I do not want to be that).
If you are an enterpreneur and invite me to buy or sell something, I will not judge you for working hard to build a business and share good ideas with others, even if it is not something I can currently participate in.

If you have a sarcastic sense of humor, I will kindly understand that your comments are in good fun and are not personal attacks.
If you are a sensitive person and do not have that sarcastic sense of humor, I will kindly understand that those comments can be hurtful because we are not the same person and refrain from criticizing your sensitivity or treading on it in the future.
If you are in ANY WAY different from what I think I am or what I would choose you to be, I will treat you with dignity, consideration, and kindness and apologize when my sinful heart keeps me from doing so.

I hope others will join me. And I pray Jesus will help me.

Because His words are hard. They mean I become smaller in my own head and I become weak in everyone else's head and...I surrender my will to fix everyone to His will to embrace everyone with the gospel.

Choosing to reject a critical attitude is not the same as erasing my views and convictions. Choosing to love people who disagree with me is not the same as choosing to agree with them. Choosing to live a life as devoid of prejudices and cynical responses as possible is not about becoming a reflection of everyone else; it's about becoming a reflection of the Jesus who willingly engages with EVERYONE--no matter how "other" they may seem.

If there is one thing I hope people around me will say when my ashes are being spread out somewhere, I hope it will be that they saw something of Jesus in me. I hope my husband will say that I knew how to be honest, how to forgive, and how to keep the seriousness of life from becoming altogether too serious. I hope my kids will say that their mom showed them a little something of the Jesus she taught them to love. I hope that the people who know me and work with me and live their lives with me will say that my life was about something more than me and my "opinions." 

I hope they say I loved well and didn't pass love out on a merit basis. Because, the Lord knows, I would never have earned His. I don't deserve all the love and blessings I have received in this life. Not from God. Not from others. But, by the grace of God, I am loved and blessed. And if Jesus had taught us nothing else in His ministry, we should remember this: do for others what we want them to do for us, and love each other as He has loved us. (Matthew 7:12 -- John 13:34)

It's a tall order, but an incredible goal. Here's to day 1 in the journey, friends.

Notes or Noise

Tonight, I went out in the snow to the gym for one of my new favorite activities: BodyFlow. It is a workout composed of tai-chi, yoga, and Pilates (all things I NEVER thought I would be caught doing). Believe me, I have the balance of an elephant, still have trouble with my lefts and rights, and have formerly found these "centering" workouts to be nothing but a money grab. But over the past several weeks, I have found the peace of that classroom space super helpful in dealing with anxieties and helping me manage my health. 

While we began the final meditative segment of our hour-long class, I became captivated by the music.

I normally use this time to pray, to turn my focus from the somewhat meaningless words of the instructor toward the grace of God. But tonight, I just stopped and listened to the music play. I was struck by just how blessed I am to be able to sit in a warm room while it storms outside, how blessed I am to know that I am never alone, how incredibly blessed I am to be still breathing, still seeing, still speaking, still experiencing the best moments of life with people I love around me.

And as the piano melody spun in my head, it's like I felt Jesus holding my hand. The way I used to feel Him on my prayer walks through the wooded streets around my parents' house or in my quiet moments on the back steps of my childhood home. The way I have felt Him when I was on my knees crying for some sense of home in family struggles and life transitions. The way I have felt Him when friends have held my shoulders and prayed for me when I can't find the words. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's like I felt Him comforting me as I breathed and listened.

Then, all of sudden, noisy dance club music came blaring through the classroom from the outer doors. Some tough guys were weightlifting just outside and my thoughts were interrupted. The two songs seemed to fight each other for prominence. I tried to listen to one, but kept getting pulled back by the other.

"Oh. Wow."  I pulled my knees into my chest as I recognized the lesson God had for me in that short conflict.

I believe God is the creator of every form of beauty on this earth. I believe it is for His joy and our joy. And as a musician (amateur at best), I believe God writes all the truly beautiful music in this world. He puts the words together and He chooses the notes. And our lives as His children are meant to be a part of that bigger song. The song of brokenness and redemption, of mourning and celebration, of wandering and return, of falling and rising back up. I'm supposed to be living that story in a way that makes other people want to know who wrote it; the music needs an audience drawn to the musician for it to be transformative.

But so many times, I'm not the music...I'm the noise. When I let envy and bitterness fester in my heart. When I react in anger. When I give in to temptation. When I let my eyes go where they shouldn't, my mind go where it shouldn't, my soul go where it shouldn't. When I grow sick with greed, lust, doubt and distrust. When I clamor for attention and significance. When I show far more of my messed-up self to the people around me than I ever show of God.

I don't want to be the noise that keeps other people from hearing the music of the gospel. It's the best news in the world! It's the one truth in this world I gladly stake my life on. It tells me that I am a mess, that God is perfection, and that He gave everything He had to trade me my mess for His perfection. How unbelievable to be part of such a perfect story.

You want romance? Mystery? Suspense? Adventure? It's all here, people. You want music to dance to? To cry to? To celebrate to? To relax to? It's all here. God's story--God's song--grants us the full expression of every single desire we have for good. And I mean every single one. It is His grace that allows us to enjoy some of the things we enjoy most on this earth: delicious food; beautiful places to see; a child's laughter; music; sex; emotions; dancing; relaxing; reading; etc. What He has done throughout history is the basis for every truly great story ever told and every great musical piece ever written. He holds our breath in His hands and He chooses to keep on giving it.

As I lay there in the darkness, I couldn't help but mouth the thoughts in my heart. "Lord, forgive me for being more noise than music. Forgive me for playing the wrong notes and being so out-of-tune with Your program sometimes. Help me listen for what You need me to hear so I can be part of the music you play and remind the world of Your love and grace. And help me drown out the noise of sin and selfishness so there is no voice vying for my attention except Yours."

This is my prayer for all of us.

The whole world is doing a good job of distracting us with entertainment and fun, making us fear and despair, and turning our attention from what matters to what doesn't. It is stealing our hearts and minds from the Gospel story and directing us to gimmicks. We see what IS right now without thinking about what came before or will come after. We praise (or despise or laugh at) political figures, all the while forgetting that they are little temporary specks in front of an eternal God. We put every ounce of energy into career or family or romance or education, forgetting that these things can drain us completely dry if they are not rooted in something much bigger than themselves. 

But while it is easy to get caught up in the noise swirling around our heads, we should take a moment to step back and listen for the song. What is the bigger picture? What is the larger story in all of this?

Most important of all, what is God trying to say to us in all of this that we have not been able to hear? And, how can we live our lives in a way that makes that truth impossible to drown out?