The Financial Façade

Money. That stuff we really want but can't admit we want...and that we really don't talk about because it's super private (even though it actually isn't). I mean, let's be real here. Is anyone actually going to tell me they have never had ANY money issues? I doubt it. So let's stop being awkward about something that is genuinely confusing, often depressing, and literally affecting every.one. of us.

Whether it's under-earning, overspending, hoarding, or wasting...money gets us deep in its grip. And by money I mean everything money affects...things like our social status and our homes and our ridiculously enormous collections of stuff.

Let me just clarify where I'm coming from here. I'm recently married, a recent college graduate with no current job (as I wait for legal documents to work), and sharing a budget with my hubby who works a blue collar job. We live in a pretty absurdly expensive city and we live a beautiful life despite perhaps not having everything we ever imagined for ourselves. Such is life.

However, I willingly admit that there are days when all I can think about is how to get out of this place, how to settle down, how to make more money without being able to work, how to find meaningful and fulfilling work for both of us, how we're ever going to have a family, etc. My mind gets all twisted up in worries about WHAT'S NEXT. Does that sound familiar to you? Well, despite how many times I have convinced myself that it won't sound familiar to you, I think it does. Because the average person today has concerns about STUFF...often a level of concern extreme enough to completely decimate a family and a marriage.

Here is an example. My hubby and I have been married for only a year and a half, and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that 90% of our arguments and tensions have been about finances and our stuff. Which is seriously saying something because we have not even gotten to the stage where we have a house and kids and all of that. Yikes.

WHY do we let financial stress consume so much of our time and energy? Of course, some concern and caution is responsible and necessary. We have to work, we have to pay bills, we have to eat food, etc. But have I ever gone a day hungry? Nope. Have I ever slept on the street? No. Have I ever been chased down by a creditor threatening to take every penny I have? Thankfully, no. (I do not mean to take it lightly if you have experienced these things. That is incredibly hard and impossible for me to understand. But on the whole, I assume, most of us haven't.)

When I think about it, I am truly stunned. I am rich enough to have a warm apartment, a bed with multiple pillows, a kitchen with an electric stove and a refrigerator that controls its own temperature, a computer, TV, and smartphone, a well stocked pantry, a car that takes us where we need to go, and countless other luxuries that millions and millions of people will never have.

Who cares whether or not my bathroom is Pinterest-worthy? Who cares if the meals I make aren't "paleo" or "clean eating" or "gourmet"? Who cares if I would rather wear elastic-waist sweatpants than designer skinny jeans?

Listen, friends. We need to start being realistic about how much is enough. My body does NOT have to look like a Victoria's Secret model to be beautiful. My face does NOT have to be airbrushed or contoured or the perfect blend of shiny and matte so everyone can comment on how " glowing" I look. I do NOT have to dress up for a dolled-up photo when I fully intend on staying inside and seeing no one all day. My place does NOT have to be fragrant with diffused essential oils or waxed with special polish or decorated like a magazine just so someone can step inside my door and feel impressed. My husband does NOT have to wear "hipster" clothes and perfect hair for me to feel lucky to have him on my arm. We do NOT have to go on expensive dates with expensive wine to appreciate time with each other. In a nutshell, I do NOT have to "keep up with the Joneses" when I am completely unthreatened by them.

And I think that is the key. We HAVE allowed ourselves to be threatened by them (and by "we" I mean "me"). Jealousy and envy inch their way into our frusrated souls and we look around us. We see all of the deficits in our lives, all of the cracks and kinks and sticky situations. We see all of the beautiful moments in everyone else's lives and say, "Why is their life/marriage/family/work so PERFECT?" But the simple answer is: "It isn't." We see the good stuff--the makeup, the fashion, the beautiful wedding shots, the adorable angelic babies, the picture-perfect houses, the date nights full of flashy smiles--and then we assume it is the whole picture. But it is only the part of the picture that others WANT us to see. Those pictures and storybooks skip the anxious nights, the arguments, the puking spells, the spilled tomato sauce all over the stove, the acne and eczema, the stained yoga pants and frizzy hair. They skip all the messy parts that make up REAL LIFE.

We are missing the point when we focus on our cash and our stash. We look at the money we've made or should be making and the stuff we have or don't have, and then we tell ourselves--"time for more, time for better." This post is as much a challenge to my own heart as everyone else's.

Let's stop rubbing each other's noses in our successes so we feel better and our failures so they feel worse. Let's stop looking at the supposedly beautiful or carefree with bitterness and anger--and at the supposedly scattered and tattered with scorn and disapproval. Let's get over ourselves and let each other live our own lives. Can we handle that?

We are okay. We are enough. Don't diagnose me or try to fix me, and I'll willingly offer you that same courtesy. The sooner we drop the game of "lifestyle charades", the sooner we all find contentment in our own space, our own skin, and our own souls.

The Magic of the Mundane

It's amazing how the mundane routines of married life can bring such joy.

As I lie on our bed resting because I am not feeling well, I can hear the sink-water running in the kitchen as my husband washes the dishes in his meticulous way. While I was away from home for the past few weeks, he even cleaned our entire apartment so it would be perfect when I returned!

I think about our typical day and smile. In the morning when he rubs his eyes to wake up for work, I slide off the bed next to him, walk to the kitchen, and start cutting the apple for his packed lunch. We remind each other about the day's activities and appointments, kiss goodbye, and check in with each other to make sure we have reached our respective destinations. While grocery shopping, he pushes the cart and I lead the way. At night, we brush our teeth, making faces in the bathroom mirror. We climb into bed, eventually falling asleep to a synchronized breathing rhythm that somehow says all is right with the world. (Okay, I know that part's corny but it's totally true!) Marriage may not be glamorous, but it is full of beautiful moments that no book or counselor ever could have told me about.

It's also full of hard moments. Worry about finances and the future, worry about children you want or have or want back, worry about health and work, etc. It is difficult to communicate honestly without criticizing harshly. And it is especially hard to live out the "I love you" we sometimes say all too easily.

But I'm starting to learn that marriage is not a competition between each other or between our marriage and other people's marriages. It doesn't work when I waste my time needing to be right or needing to be perfect or needing to have everything in my life in place. If I have more career success than my husband (or vice versa), it doesn't make one of us better than the other. If my health or appearance or social status is worse (or better) than my spouse's, it doesn't alter the worth of either one of us. If, in my marriage, there is a financial stress that someone else's marriage might not have, it doesn't make theirs better. If they are able to have a family whenever they want and in my marriage we can't, it doesn't make theirs easier.

Every single couple has a love story and a togetherness story that is completely different than everyone else's. There are dynamics in our home that I wouldn't trade for the world..and that other people might scoff at. The glorious truth is that marriage involves only the 3 of us: me, him, and God. When we need help, we should seek it from other wiser couples, of course. But as we figure the little things out in the life we now get to share, there is so much room for us to just be..us.

While folding each other's underwear and watching Mr. Bean on a Friday night might not be the world's most exciting pastime, there is something about it that heals my soul from the hurts of the day. Why? Because no matter the simplicity and routine of our married life, we know that we chose this because we are completely invested in each other's success--emotionally, physically, spiritually. If the world was against me (and sometimes it feels like it is), I know two very important truths. 1) My God is for me, 2) my husband is for me.

The safety in that is worth all the stress that might come along with it. Sure, money can get really tight and living space can get really stifling and the future can seem really scary and family squabbles can be really frustrating...but I never have to sleep in the dark alone anymore. I never have to ask if anyone will miss me when I'm not around. In a marriage that never gives up, I am saved from feeling the aching loneliness that wants to drag me and hold me down.

This is why marriage is such a perfect reminder of Jesus' love for His church. He loves to free us, grow us, listen to us, comfort us, challenge us, and forgive us. He wants us to know Him and be known by Him. He wants us to trust Him even when we may not understand every piece; and He wants to love us sacrificially even when He knows we cannot fully grasp and return such love. And when our husbands even attempt to show us that kind of devotion and commitment, it becomes a source of deep security and joy.

Such grace to make and keep a covenant.
Such a blessing to have a soft place to fall when hard circumstances come crashing in.

Such a miracle to be married.