Notes or Noise

Tonight, I went out in the snow to the gym for one of my new favorite activities: BodyFlow. It is a workout composed of tai-chi, yoga, and Pilates (all things I NEVER thought I would be caught doing). Believe me, I have the balance of an elephant, still have trouble with my lefts and rights, and have formerly found these "centering" workouts to be nothing but a money grab. But over the past several weeks, I have found the peace of that classroom space super helpful in dealing with anxieties and helping me manage my health. 

While we began the final meditative segment of our hour-long class, I became captivated by the music.

I normally use this time to pray, to turn my focus from the somewhat meaningless words of the instructor toward the grace of God. But tonight, I just stopped and listened to the music play. I was struck by just how blessed I am to be able to sit in a warm room while it storms outside, how blessed I am to know that I am never alone, how incredibly blessed I am to be still breathing, still seeing, still speaking, still experiencing the best moments of life with people I love around me.

And as the piano melody spun in my head, it's like I felt Jesus holding my hand. The way I used to feel Him on my prayer walks through the wooded streets around my parents' house or in my quiet moments on the back steps of my childhood home. The way I have felt Him when I was on my knees crying for some sense of home in family struggles and life transitions. The way I have felt Him when friends have held my shoulders and prayed for me when I can't find the words. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's like I felt Him comforting me as I breathed and listened.

Then, all of sudden, noisy dance club music came blaring through the classroom from the outer doors. Some tough guys were weightlifting just outside and my thoughts were interrupted. The two songs seemed to fight each other for prominence. I tried to listen to one, but kept getting pulled back by the other.

"Oh. Wow."  I pulled my knees into my chest as I recognized the lesson God had for me in that short conflict.

I believe God is the creator of every form of beauty on this earth. I believe it is for His joy and our joy. And as a musician (amateur at best), I believe God writes all the truly beautiful music in this world. He puts the words together and He chooses the notes. And our lives as His children are meant to be a part of that bigger song. The song of brokenness and redemption, of mourning and celebration, of wandering and return, of falling and rising back up. I'm supposed to be living that story in a way that makes other people want to know who wrote it; the music needs an audience drawn to the musician for it to be transformative.

But so many times, I'm not the music...I'm the noise. When I let envy and bitterness fester in my heart. When I react in anger. When I give in to temptation. When I let my eyes go where they shouldn't, my mind go where it shouldn't, my soul go where it shouldn't. When I grow sick with greed, lust, doubt and distrust. When I clamor for attention and significance. When I show far more of my messed-up self to the people around me than I ever show of God.

I don't want to be the noise that keeps other people from hearing the music of the gospel. It's the best news in the world! It's the one truth in this world I gladly stake my life on. It tells me that I am a mess, that God is perfection, and that He gave everything He had to trade me my mess for His perfection. How unbelievable to be part of such a perfect story.

You want romance? Mystery? Suspense? Adventure? It's all here, people. You want music to dance to? To cry to? To celebrate to? To relax to? It's all here. God's story--God's song--grants us the full expression of every single desire we have for good. And I mean every single one. It is His grace that allows us to enjoy some of the things we enjoy most on this earth: delicious food; beautiful places to see; a child's laughter; music; sex; emotions; dancing; relaxing; reading; etc. What He has done throughout history is the basis for every truly great story ever told and every great musical piece ever written. He holds our breath in His hands and He chooses to keep on giving it.

As I lay there in the darkness, I couldn't help but mouth the thoughts in my heart. "Lord, forgive me for being more noise than music. Forgive me for playing the wrong notes and being so out-of-tune with Your program sometimes. Help me listen for what You need me to hear so I can be part of the music you play and remind the world of Your love and grace. And help me drown out the noise of sin and selfishness so there is no voice vying for my attention except Yours."

This is my prayer for all of us.

The whole world is doing a good job of distracting us with entertainment and fun, making us fear and despair, and turning our attention from what matters to what doesn't. It is stealing our hearts and minds from the Gospel story and directing us to gimmicks. We see what IS right now without thinking about what came before or will come after. We praise (or despise or laugh at) political figures, all the while forgetting that they are little temporary specks in front of an eternal God. We put every ounce of energy into career or family or romance or education, forgetting that these things can drain us completely dry if they are not rooted in something much bigger than themselves. 

But while it is easy to get caught up in the noise swirling around our heads, we should take a moment to step back and listen for the song. What is the bigger picture? What is the larger story in all of this?

Most important of all, what is God trying to say to us in all of this that we have not been able to hear? And, how can we live our lives in a way that makes that truth impossible to drown out?