New Me

Whew. It has been a busy few weeks as my husband and I prepared our belongings for our new place, moved in, and started unpacking all these boxes. I'm sitting at our kitchen table sweating from lack of AC (!) but incredibly grateful for the slowed down pace of this morning.

Today was the first time in a while that I got a chance to sit at the piano and work on some of the thoughts God has been putting in my heart since the beginning of the summer. Graduation day felt like a turning point for me and kick-started a wild summer of adjustments to married life and adjustments to a new city, new country, and new family. While I'm sure that sounds like a lot of changes, God has been so present in all of them; I feel a calm in my soul that I don't think I have been able to feel since I was living in Pennsylvania during my sophomore year of high school. That year was the last one that I can remember in which my life was stable. I had my old friends, my longtime school, lots of time to spend with my mom and with my cousins...there was a peace in that which I see now came from a fundamental understanding of God's care for me on a daily basis.

But once my junior year came and my parents and I moved out of our home, moved to Massachusetts, and prepared for a new life in the Northeast, I struggled to remember God's care. Our family had struggles, my senior year in public school was painful for lots of reasons, and I began to realize the profound sinfulness in my heart as I grew distant from God. I did not trust His care anymore; I worried about everything, I grew anxious socially and academically, and I forgot that God was present with me and ready to guide me through every circumstance.

That anxiety manifested itself physically and mentally once I entered college. I had anxiety attacks, I lost an unhealthy amount of weight, and my hair began thinning. I ate meals at crazy times, some semesters I worked two jobs while carrying a full courseload, I stressed about whether or not my professors were impressed by my work, and I fought to hang onto friends that ultimately weren't interested in being my friends. On top of those issues, my circumstances kept changing. I lived in 4 different buildings in 4 years, switched churches, switched my major, and threw myself into work with students at various grade levels, from various nations, through various schools and providers.

Oh, and I started dating, got engaged, and got married.

I began to think that I was controlling my life; I wouldn't have said it out loud, but I believed it. Because of that belief, I lost my joy. It was hard to smile, hard to make deep friendships, hard to treat my boyfriend (and eventually, fiance and husband) in the kind of spiritually encouraging way I knew I should be, and hard to forgive my family members for the often inadvertent ways they had hurt me. I knew something was wrong in my heart, but I felt that the pace of my life offered me no real ways to mend that broken place.

God knew what to do though. He took me out of my comfort zone this past May, moved me to Canada, and forced me to spend months alone with Him (and with my husband). He allowed my trust issues, my spiritual struggles, and my deep longing for security and affection to surface. In doing so, He forced me to acknowledge that His work in me was not dependent on my meeting His (or my own) standards. I finally realized that whatever plans He has for me are SO much better than the plans I have for myself.

This song, New Me, I wrote this morning as I sat at my Clavinova. I thought about how the Lord is using this season of my life, when I am not working or going to school, to change my dreams for the future. I wanted to introduce Him to someone who is willing to allow Him to change my heart, fill me with joy, and empower me to serve Him in ways I never planned for. Despite how personal this song is to me (and likely to other post-grads), I hope it will resonate with you and encourage you to seek God's plan and not the plans that would merely gratify yourself or others.

New Me

Four years gone by, diploma in hand
And life is just not what I had planned
Lots of laughter but lots more tears
Thought I'd feel safe once I faced my fears
But now I'm back to the girl I once was
And I think we grew apart
I don't even know where to start

Everybody asks, "What's the next step?
Where will you go? What is your dream?"
Why don't they ask, "With the time you have left,
Who are you going to be?"
Yeah I know it may seem like that time was a waste
Now that the account's running dry
But Lord, meet the new me
And where I want to be
Is living before it's time to die

Summer's gone by, cold settling in
And my life is so full I can't even begin
To describe all the love and the peace that I've found
In knowing that He keeps my feet on the ground
Every step of my way, God is holding my hand
And meeting my every need
Even though we grew apart
He knows where I need to start

Everybody asks, "What's the next step?
Where on the ladder do you wanna climb?"
Why don't they ask, "With the time you have left
How is your light gonna shine?"
Yeah I know it might seem like I've thrown dreams away
But maybe those dreams just weren't true
Lord, meet the new me
And who I want to be
Is anyone walking with you

Put that spring in my step
Put that joy on my face
Put that song on my lips
Let me sing of your grace
Break the chains of the dark
Clothe me with light
There's a world that needs love
Let my heart flow like Christ's (2x)

Everybody asks, "What's the next step?
How high can you get? What will it take?"
Why don't they ask, "With the time you have left
What difference are you going to make?" (2x)
Yeah I know it might seem like I gave my life up
But God is more precious than pearls
Lord, meet the new me
And what I want to be
Is a servant who's changing the world
A lover, a writer, a mother, a fighter,
A servant who's changing the world.