Calligraphic Bible verses with steaming cups of coffee. Look, she must be so spiritual.
Long flowing hair spilling onto the white sands of a Caribbean beach. Look, she must be so carefree.
Hands entwined. Look, they must be so in love.
A casserole dish sizzling with Mrs. Jones' latest healthy dinner. Look, she must be so put-together.
Long flowing hair spilling onto the white sands of a Caribbean beach. Look, she must be so carefree.
Hands entwined. Look, they must be so in love.
A casserole dish sizzling with Mrs. Jones' latest healthy dinner. Look, she must be so put-together.
Maybe you try to find words somewhere that will rationalize your bitter reaction.
"I'm just going through a stage. That's why all of this is bothering me. I'll be past it soon."
Or maybe you try to shut off all stimuli to avoid the nagging feeling that everyone is watching you just to see when you'll fall short of the social standard of perfection.
"I'm going to hide for a week and socialize with no one. I'll wear a potato sack with eyeholes cut out."
Soon, you start to see condescension in everyone's eyes...especially when it isn't there.
You start to feel the crushing weight of these expectations...without realizing that they are of your own making.
You look in the mirror and notice 3 things:
1) It's covered in smudges because your home isn't as clean as it should be.
2) The person looking back at you is ugly, awkward, pale, and disproportionate.
3) The bags under your eyes have become so ordinary that you haven't even noticed them there for the past 6 months.
1) It's covered in smudges because your home isn't as clean as it should be.
2) The person looking back at you is ugly, awkward, pale, and disproportionate.
3) The bags under your eyes have become so ordinary that you haven't even noticed them there for the past 6 months.
That
chilly, damp feeling which was comforting when you were home watching
The Food Network with your mom over a cup of tea isn't comforting
anymore. You know you have a phone to call someone, but who would you
even call? You know you have blankets to snuggle under, but isn't that
for cold temperatures and not cold souls?
By the time
you are deep into a musing like this, you realize you haven't thought
your way out of it. You think, "But there's always a silver lining! Or a
pot of gold. Or that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel."
The
problem is the your legs aren't moving and you just got into the
tunnel. You forgot your flashlight and you can't remember where the
entrance was. So while you stand stuck between two bright places -
memory and hope - you find yourself in a dim place - limbo.
Sure,
things could be much worse. It isn't pitch black. The ground is stable
underneath you. But you've lost your vision. And the future hopes you've
held onto feel like they aren't there anymore. Even the memories of the
past have faded a little.
The house you dreamed your big dreams in sits abandoned on a hill hundreds of miles away.
Your yearly vacation spot hasn't been visited since high school days. You're trying hard to remember the feel of the balcony's rough cement on your feet.
Your yearly vacation spot hasn't been visited since high school days. You're trying hard to remember the feel of the balcony's rough cement on your feet.
Your huge family feels tiny now that it is
split in so many directions. With some, you mourn the physical distance.
With some, you mourn the emotional distance.
You
find that everything you observe around you is now reflected in how you
see yourself. You watch a mother with her baby and wonder if you'll
ever be good enough to parent like that. You watch a colleague run a
meeting at work and wonder why you aren't such an effective leader like
that. You look at the political climate and wonder how your behavior may
have influenced it. You look at the church and its internal issues and
wonder which ones you may have been involved in, even unwittingly. You
see your spouse's exhaustion and wonder if marrying you is what makes
them feel this way. Or maybe you see your kids struggle for meaning and
direction and wonder if you are any good at guiding them after all.
There
are lots of things you can tell yourself when the blues hit. When you
feel like everything in your world is blah and lifeless. When you are
tempted to retreat into shadows and never share anything difficult
again. These are the most important ones:
Life will
not always feel the way it feels now. Be sure not to make the past and future into idols you worship while the present is ready to be lived
well. Life may seem a little dark and cold, but doesn't that happen
when the sun hides behind the clouds too? The sun will probably pop out
of hiding any minute. But even if it doesn't come out soon, the fact
that you are still living and breathing and loving means the sun is
still there..because the Son is still there. For every single
minute of darkness and brightness, sorrow and joy, tears and laughter.
He doesn't leave and He promises He never will.
Joy can be chosen. Joy should be chosen. It does not always come automatically and it does not always come with happy smiles. You
can be walking through the dark thoughtfully and cautiously while still
possessing deep joy. You can cry while still possessing deep joy. You
can ask God hard questions while still possessing deep joy. The one
thing that cannot live beside deep joy? Hateful anger. You are not
choosing joy if you are choosing to let envy turn into angry hatred
toward another person..or toward God. There can be no joy in your life
when there is no acknowledgment of your need to move beyond dark
feelings into the light of God's grace and strength. The journey to joy
always involves looking up - no matter how hard it is to do. You cannot
find joy if we are determined to stare at the ground or stare at another
human being in resentment of our circumstances. But, on the other hand,
this is also true:
Being the honest screwed-up version of you is a million times better than being the fake perfect version of you. You don't believe it, but it's true. People need real people, not cardboard cutouts or magazine models. Dark feelings won't kill you. They are human and you are human - expect them to come around sometimes and don't pretend they never do. You have significance and value just as you are, feelings and all; don't rob the world of your uniqueness. You are created in the image of God.
Being the honest screwed-up version of you is a million times better than being the fake perfect version of you. You don't believe it, but it's true. People need real people, not cardboard cutouts or magazine models. Dark feelings won't kill you. They are human and you are human - expect them to come around sometimes and don't pretend they never do. You have significance and value just as you are, feelings and all; don't rob the world of your uniqueness. You are created in the image of God.
Time is not
the ultimate healer it is made out to be. Sharing is not the ultimate
healer either. God is healer and He can use these means to accomplish
the healing process in us. Hard things don't just disappear the
longer they sit there in silence. And they don't just disappear the
minute you expose them to another. They fade as you face them and
embrace them and recognize your inability to understand them and realize
God's ability to redeem them. God heals but He will except no
substitute healers. When all the little hurts are brushed away and we
get to that deep dark hurt at the bottom, God is the only one who can,
with a brush of his hand, do away with that kind of hurt...who can make
that rock bottom place into a steady foundation instead of a sinking
pit.
So in an act of complete surrender to your helplessness, you fall
on your knees. You do your best to silence the comparisons, the fears,
the hurts, and the wonderings --and you call out to God to do all that
you can't. Because you know that trying your best is nothing compared to
surrendering to God's best.
It might seem like the
former is harder than the latter, but it isn't. Not in the least.
Surrendering is a challenge because you are wired to resist surrender
and fight for control. But in the spiritual sense, this seems to hold
true: The more you strive, the more you sink. The more you surrender,
the more you rise.
Hey you, that tough woman who's
holding it together when she's falling apart. Hey you, that little girl
who still wants the fairy tale but is afraid of finding out it's a lie.
Hey you, that go-getter who for once just wants to stop going and
getting - who wants to start growing and giving instead.
Hey you, that writer who has run out of witty insightful things to say -- that ambitious businesswoman who feels unnoticed, undervalued, and burned out -- that mom who feels the love in her heart flowing fiercely but pulled in so many impossible-to-stretch-to directions -- that brave woman who wonders when she's alone if somehow she's just not cut out for this calling.
Hey you, that writer who has run out of witty insightful things to say -- that ambitious businesswoman who feels unnoticed, undervalued, and burned out -- that mom who feels the love in her heart flowing fiercely but pulled in so many impossible-to-stretch-to directions -- that brave woman who wonders when she's alone if somehow she's just not cut out for this calling.
Hey you. Your story doesn't end here.
Your purpose is constantly unfolding. Your God is listening, is
watching, is loving you right now. This moment. If He feels far, it's
because your feelings are an inadequate measure of distance; He's right
here.
In your cubicle. In your car's passenger seat.
At the bus stop. At your dirty kitchen sink. In your laundry room. At
your in-law's house. In your classroom. In the hospital room. By your
bedside.
He's right here. And if you are still
standing in that dim tunnel pulled between a past and present that just
don't fit you anymore - much like those jeans you wore in high school -
know this. Repeat it. Memorize it. Write it on your arms and on your
bedroom mirror and behind your sink.
He's right here.
What would you tell Him if you knew that? How would you reach for Him?
What would you ask Him about? What would you ask Him for?
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