New Life

It really is true that two births happen in a delivery room - the birth of a baby and the birth of a mother. The past four months have shown me that becoming a parent is like a new birth in so many ways. Every decision I make during the day and for the long term is precisely focused on what my son needs and what my husband and I will need to parent him well.

My first thought when I wake is that my baby needs me. My last thought before I close my eyes is that I need to be the mom he needs. Even now, knowing he is only an infant, I painstakingly replay the moments of my day when I was too impatient or too distracted and wonder how it affected him. I go over changes I need to make to raise him the way I want to - how I need to be healthier, how I need to be more disciplined, how I need to be more godly, how I need to be more focused and more fun. And, most of all, I spend the moments at night that I used to spend longing for a child in thanking God for this incredible gift.

Because yes, new motherhood is heavy but I don't think it's a burden. It weighs my heart with worry but only because it first overflows my heart with love. My mind thinks differently now but I have no aching to go back to my old thinking. Not for one moment.

When I became a mom for the first time four months ago, I began a new life. Truly new, with all the anxiety and apprehension and anticipation and adventure that newness brings. It's hard now to even remember life before but that is probably because I would rather not. The present is too precious.

I keep thinking about what Jesus said, "If you try to save your life, you will lose it. But if you give it up for me, you will surely find it." I know He is referencing something else here, but I think that verse reflects a huge reality in my life. The more I try to hang on to what I think will make me valuable - work performance, attractiveness, a perfectly decorated and clean home, participation in a million activities and ministries, etc. - the more it slips through my hands. But the more I give up my "plan A" plans and embrace a life I once thought I would despise, the more I am connecting with my real self. The self with a super loud laugh, a sagging ponytail, a drool-stained Star Wars T-shirt, and a nerdy obsession with rhymes and awkward dance moves.

Spending my days and weeks with this tiny human who depends on me and loves me just because I'm his mama has given me a new perspective on freedom.

To me, freedom isn't the chance to do what I want - it's the chance to be who I am. Freedom doesn't have to mean the celebration of independence - it can mean the celebration of interdependence.

In a world where men and women are both pressured to climb the ladder and prove our worth - to make a name for ourselves with education and enterpreneurship - it is easy to forget that many of the people who have shaped our lives and our character the most never climbed, never proved, and never received great recognition for their achievements. While we should all encourage each other to give our best to everything we do, I am learning to remember that the giving of our best doesn't always look the way we think it will.

Tonight as I listen to the rhythmic hum of the dishwasher and the dryer, and as I look at my son sleeping peacefully in his crib, I smile at this new life God has given me. Not just new because of my son's existence. Not just new because I am not working a full-time job anymore. New because I feel a deep sense of belonging here - here in this scarred body, here in this little family, here in this home of clutter and chaos, and here in this sacred moment at the intersection of the journey behind me and the journey ahead of me.

"I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free...His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me."

A World and a Church to Weep Over

Wow, so so many things have happened in my life since I last wrote almost 2 years ago. For those who may not know, I will do my best to sum these up in a few short snippets.

January 2017 - We moved into a new apartment 

August 2017 - We celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary

September 2017- We discovered we were expecting our first child

November 2017- My grandma passed away a few days after my last conversation with her

April 2018 - We discovered both my brother-in-law and my father-in-law had cancer, and I gave birth to a baby boy

May 2018 - My father-in-law passed away only weeks after diagnosis..

The blanks in between these few moments were filled with severe morning sickness, a pretty frustrating pregnancy complication, increasing stress at work, moments of anticipation and excitement and terror at the thought of becoming a mom, intense financial and physical fear, loneliness and homesickness, grieving and mourning, incredible joy watching my sweet baby grow and develop...I could go on. Suffice it to say that I have been forced to grow so much more in the past 12 months than I ever have in my short life. It has been worse and better than I could ever have imagined - if that makes any sense.

But the thing I have found most strange in all of these events is my deep mourning for what is all around me. In the midst of a season of incredible transition, uncertainty and grief in my personal life, I am struck by the often even more weighty pain I feel as a citizen of the world and a member of Christ's church. It has been a year full of sexual assault trials and family separations and pastoral scandals and harmful political rhetoric and blatant bigotry and insatiable greed. It has been a year full of denominational division and confusion and the denial of foundational truths and the embrace of elements previously foreign to orthodox evangelical worship.

I have wept listening to victim testimony at the trial of Larry Nassar, wept watching a mother mourn her son who was shot without cause, wept at the absurdity and horror of toddlers standing alone in immigration courts. I have wept seeing movie stars and CEOs and comedians and pastors take advantage of their power and influence to satisfy their own lust for sex and power and money. I have wept over refugees fleeing their homes ravaged by war and wept at the responses of others to their plight.

I have wept over Christian speakers celebrating sin in order to show a love that is not real love. I have wept over preachers and pastors dogmatically defending indefensible laws and policies while others have denied the very existence of the moral absolutes that should be informing the laws to begin with. I have wept over extreme warmth and acceptance that appeals to my heart but offends my intellect, and I have wept over extreme coldness and judgment that seems to make sense at the surface but crushes my soul with guilt and despair. 

I look at my sweet 3-month-old child as he sleeps beside me, his little chest rising and falling..and I weep for the world he will grow up in. More than that, I weep for the conversations we will have someday when he realizes that the safety of his mama's arms is not an adequate predictor of post-baby reality. 

Tonight, for the sake of others who may be feeling the way I do, I want to lay out 10 uncomfortable truths I am preparing to tell my child: 5 uncomfortable truths about the world and 5 uncomfortable truths about the Christian church.

"Dear Son, 

Here are some things we want you to know about the world we live in and the church you are growing up in. We love you and we are here for you. 

Some truths about the world...

1. You are deeply important to the God who created you and to your family, but mostly not important to the world around you - friends, teachers, bosses, doctors, colleagues, etc. Choose your connections wisely and remember that human beings are much more selfish at heart than they think they are. You need to rely on God first, be your own advocate, do your own research, trust your instincts and the instincts of those who love you most, and develop deep relationships slowly.

In a nutshell, even if you are safe and looking out for others, your social circle and those in authority over you are not automatically safe and looking out for you. They are likely to be looking out for themselves and what they can get.

2. In most cases, no one wants you to upset the status quo, to expose the truth, to confront oppression, or to be a unique individual at the cost of fitting in. It is up to YOU to decide when you must and should do all of those things, under God's direction. Others may hate you for doing the right thing, but you will bear the regret of not doing it and nothing is worth that. 

In a nutshell, the world around you prefers when you shut up and get out of the way. God does not provide us with that option when truth and integrity and our own callings are on the line.

3. Even the people who look the best, talk the best, write the best, and act the best, are PEOPLE AT BEST - human, prone to sin, fallible, and flawed. Do not put any human being on a pedestal and begin to assume that they are perfect or inevitably better than you. They will fall off and it will hurt you more than it hurts them. 

In a nutshell, comparing yourself to others or idolizing others will ruin your life and ruin your relationships. Resist the urge and pay attention to working on your own life so it can be the best it can be.

4. You will inevitably find out that you are more messed up than you think. It will be tempting to blame your parents and others (and yes, much of it will be partly their fault) but you need to recognize that you are mainly to blame for being messed up. You are a sinner after all, like everyone else, and it is up to you to take responsibility for your own desires, words, behavior, and choices. 

In a nutshell, own up when you do the wrong thing and work on making it right. Yeah, you'd rather not admit anything or work on anything but that's what growing up entails. God will help you..and your parents will respect you not hate you for it, I promise.

5. Long term and short term plans are both important. Think them through, write them down, act according to them...and be willing to scrap them quickly should you be required to do so. Life and work will not be what you plan, trips will not be what you plan, relationships will not be what you plan...but you should plan anyway. Ambition, organization, and adaptability are all important keys to navigating life in the real world.  

In a nutshell, have a detailed vision but don't get so blinded by it that you miss what you really need to see. Life is all about priorities and the monumental messes happen when those priorities get severely out of whack.

 Some truths about the Christian church...

 (Side note: Please join one! It IS important.)

1. God doesn't change, even when people do and say that He does. The Bible says what it says, even if people say that it doesn't. God created the world and He's still the same God He was then. His character and attributes are always the same and we rely on the Bible to know what they are and thus who He is.

In a nutshell, God can be known and trusted and the Bible can be known and trusted. He is not a figment of imagination, and it is not an arbitrary document to be interpreted in an arbitrary fashion.

2. Just like you should never just agree with something because your political party tells you to, you should just agree with something because your church/denomination, your pastor, or your Christian friends tell you to. You need to read and study the Word for yourself so you know what is truth and what is a lie that might look like truth. 

In a nutshell, church is not a check-the-boxes and agree-to-the-terms arrangement. Every belief and practice and choice in your life is to be guided by God and His Word, before Christian churches, celebrities, and subcultures have any say.

3. Your Christian brothers and sisters often think they are loving you when they are cruel or offensive - chalk that up to some faulty social education. By all means, let them know it is cruel and offensive and give them an opportunity to show love better - but if it happens once, try to remember that they are not Jesus and they fail. If it happens more than once, learn to expect less and also remember that they are not every Christian out there. They are still your spiritual family even if they do not necessarily do well showing it.

In a nutshell, even God's people can and will hurt you. Hold them to account when the circumstances require, but also forgive and move on. Bitterness won't solve anything. Love them the best you can and leave the rest to God.

4. You can disagree without dividing. Yes, you can and you must. There are teachings and practices some Christians will simply never agree on because the Scripture isn't clear or isn't vocal about an issue. From music to ministry style to missions to men's wardrobes, people in churches are good at finding things to argue about. Forget it. Even significant theological disagreements can be discussed between friends without destroying friendships or dividing churches. 

In a nutshell, always be teachable, be educationally opinionated, and be willing to disagree amicably - simultaneously. Don't make huge disasters out of small discrepancies.

5. Don't ever think that you have "arrived", or that you or your church has locked down the truth and no one else has it all right. Sanctification is a lifelong process and no Christ-follower, no matter their age or maturity, has attained any semblance of real perfection. We aim to be more and more Christlike and should join a group of believers also pursuing Christlikeness as the goal. We should never view our valuing of truth and sound doctrine as some sort of competitive edge. God's work and His Word are not exclusive to us.

In a nutshell, don't sit on your high horse and be condescending to anyone else. We are all equally sinners and equally undeserving of grace and equally LOVED by a great God. 

P.S. Above all of these truths, never get tired of GRACE. Never get sick of hearing it spoken of, never grow cold to the testimonies of how God's grace has reached into our ruined lives and restored our broken places. Never grow immune to the glorious gospel of grace that tells us we are broken and sinful but that God reached down to where we were and offered up His only Son to make us whole and to secure forgiveness for all of our sin. In his GRACE, he chose us to be sons and daughters of the Most High God. Grace is enough to not only revolutionize our churches, but to invigorate our world. Extend grace to the world around you and accept grace for yourself. You may grow to weep over what you see and hear and experience, but grace will allow you to see everything the way that God sees it - ripe for redemption and renewal.

Love, 

Your Mama

The Christmas We Get We DON'T Deserve

I heard a song on the radio yesterday at work that grabbed my attention. Against a backdrop of soft, smooth classic Christmas carols, it was full of angst and disappointment. A song of protest against commercialization and war, it came through my speakers as a reminder of the painful things many of us are feeling this season after such a tumultuous year:

"They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
But instead it just kept on raining
Veiled tears for the Virgin birth
I remember one Christmas morning
A winters light and a distant choir
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas Tree smell
And eyes full of tinsel and fire

They sold me a dream of Christmas
They sold me a Silent Night
And they told me a fairy story
'Till I believed in the Israelite
And I believed in Father Christmas
And I looked to the sky with excited eyes
'Till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn
And I saw him and through his disguise

I wish you a hopeful Christmas
I wish you a brave New Year
All anguish, pain, and sadness
Leave your heart and let your road be clear
They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
Hallelujah, Noel, be it Heaven or Hell
The Christmas we get we deserve. - Greg Lake"

Wow.

All I can think is "What is the Christmas gift that would have satisfied the songwriter?" Perhaps a world at peace and the end of a bloody war. Perhaps a halt to the commercial trappings of a holiday that everyone says will renew us and often disappoints. But I know in my heart that he could not have been satisfied for long.

Wars will always restart because our pride is always wounded one way or another- local, national, and international politics will never be devoid of conflict because all humans desire to be powerful and prosperous. Materialism will never leave us because it is a function of our hearts' need to be distracted by the tangible to avoid the uncertainty of the intangible.

My heart breaks to think of the lies our culture believes about gifts. We refuse to accept the one gift that God gave us at Christmas and then we are angry at God because the material/social gifts we did receive are not filling the emptiness in our hearts. There is war and hatred and violence seeping into every crack in the world around us. We are afraid and angry. And the holiday season, while many ads claim it will heal us, often leaves us profoundly hopeless. But we long for the gifts Jesus offers without even realizing it.

We long for freely given love and acceptance. Jesus gives that. We long for peace in our hearts and in our communities. Jesus brings that. We long for a family where we belong. Jesus brings us into the family of God.

But the reason we will not come to Him is because our nature resists free offerings. We do not understand the concept of getting good things we have not earned (gifts); we think karma is the operating force. "Give good, get good. Give bad, get bad." But that isn't "giving" at all. God's idea of reaching out to us in all of emptiness and filling us with love and joy just because He wants to is foreign to us. It is foreign to the person who does not believe in God, to the person who is not interested in God, and to the Christian. It is a HUMAN resistance to the gracious giving of anything we have not worked for.

My nature says "God, help me to earn your gifts. I'll work harder and be better if it means you will give me what I long for. God, I'll become the perfect candidate so you can choose me." When I see how badly I fail at working harder and being better, my nature says "God, please don't take your gifts away from me. Please don't take my husband even though I was such an unworthy wife today. Please don't take my job because I was such an unworthy worker today. Please don't take my health because I failed to steward my time and abilities well. I didn't earn it right but please, God, I know you're disappointed but I couldn't bear to lose your goodness."

I am a professional at making simple things complicated. Just ask my mom or any of my former teachers or my husband. I get an A for overthinking every time. But the thing is, when you make gifts complicated, they aren't gifts anymore. They are transactions. "I'll do this so you'll do that. If you don't do this, I won't do that."

At Christmas, we don't get what we deserve. We get gifts that are born out of THEIR love and not OUR merit, out of THEIR gracious and generous hearts and not OUR "good grades". In our daily lives, if we got what we deserve all the time, we would be in serious trouble. In many ways I have not earned the devotion of my husband but he gives it. In many ways I have not earned the blessing of my work and my good health (there are countless others more qualified and more genuinely good than I am) but God gives it. In all of my cursing, God has not stolen my voice though I deserve it. In all of my stubborn worrying and bitterness, God has not taken my mental faculties though I deserve that too. In all of my innate sinfulness, God has not given me Hell though I deserve it.

The birth of Christ - the entire Christmas story- is proof of this. Jesus was given to us as a priceless gift we had never earned..And He came because we could never earn the love and forgiveness and peace and joy we all long for. He knew that He could earn through his perfection what we could never ever earn in our brokenness and sin. So He took immense suffering so I wouldn't have to. So his perfect words and perfect obedient mind are what God sees now when He looks at ME. That is utterly mind-blowing.




In this season, I think we probably need to evaluate what exactly we assume we are entitled to. Let's look around and honestly admit in our hearts how we think God and others have held out on us.

"I'm lonely and my friends are never there for me. I deserve good friends.

I'm tired and I never get enough rest. I deserve a break.

My job is frustrating and isn't worth the aggravation. I deserve my superior's job and pay rate because I work harder.

My spouse doesn't meet my needs and barely ever has any time to spend with me. I deserve all of his/her attention. I deserve to have someone who builds his/her life around mine.

My family members and friends are having children and they got married way after I did. Instead of a child, I got cysts for Christmas. I deserve to be a mom too, don't I?

These women are all beautiful and put together and I feel ugly and scatterbrained and inadequate. I deserve to be the person I dreamed of being, don't I?"

Maybe you feel some of those things. I know I have some days - lots of days. But here is the truth:

I don't deserve a single thing.
Not one bit of anything I have in my life at this moment.
God has given me gift after gift after gift that I never worked one minute to obtain.

My mind returns to the song "They sold me a dream". Yes, perhaps they did. Perhaps you were sold a consumer-targeted, profit-driven, emotionalized, memorialized sham of a Christmas. Perhaps you were sold a Jesus that is all smiles and love and kindness with no justice and anger and scars. Perhaps you were sold a celebration of wealth and close family memories and picture perfect poses amid holiday lights. I'm sorry it was sold to you and I am sorry that you were tricked into buying it.

But that isn't the Christmas that God offers. That isn't the kind of gift the "Israelite" came to hand out freely. Because His gift is so much more.

The gift of Jesus is God becoming man, forgiving sins, bleeding to death on a Roman cross, and coming back to life so He could bring you to Heaven with him. The gift of Jesus is a legal pardon for everything you have ever done wrong, a pardon bought with the blood of the Creator himself. The gift of Jesus has nothing to do with you becoming a good person and everything to do with Jesus being a PERFECT person that makes you PERFECT in the sight of Heaven itself. You aren't good or perfect, but He proclaims that because He bought you with His own blood, you are.

No matter what you have heard, Jesus did not come to give us health and wealth and happiness - He came to give us himself. No strings attached.

No matter how much good we do, He will offer us himself - all of his love and grace and power.
No matter how much bad we do, He will offer us himself - all of his love and grace and power.

It's been nearly 15 years since I received the gift of Jesus, and He is still the only real gift I have. Every blessing in my life has come through knowing him, every talent and skill I have comes from him, every bit of growth I have experienced is because of him. But in every change, I have never received anything more or less than HIMSELF. His presence. His companionship. His comfort.

If every single tangible good in my life were to disappear tomorrow morning, God's gift would not be changed. Jesus is the gift and he will never be taken from me. If every single tangible thing in my life were to get bigger and grander and more enjoyable tomorrow morning, God's gift would not be changed. Jesus is the gift and no other gift could ever compare.

This Christmas, I pray that we focus on each new moment as a gift. That we put aside our arbitrary expectations and experience the joy of here and now. That we stop trying to earn favor with God or trying to appease Him with frantic pleading. That we learn that true gifts- no matter their incredible cost to the giver- are FREE for the receiver. That we reach out to receive and constantly cherish the gift of the baby born in Bethlehem, the Messiah and King of Kings...The one gift that never stops giving.

"His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again. - Annie Flint"

Soliloquy as Monologue

Perhaps you've seen them. Those Instagram posts with the soft filter that instantly harden your heart.

Calligraphic Bible verses with steaming cups of coffee. Look, she must be so spiritual.
Long flowing hair spilling onto the white sands of a Caribbean beach. Look, she must be so carefree.
Hands entwined. Look, they must be so in love.
A casserole dish sizzling with Mrs. Jones' latest healthy dinner. Look, she must be so put-together.

Maybe you try to find words somewhere that will rationalize your bitter reaction.

"I'm just going through a stage. That's why all of this is bothering me. I'll be past it soon."

Or maybe you try to shut off all stimuli to avoid the nagging feeling that everyone is watching you just to see when you'll fall short of the social standard of perfection.

"I'm going to hide for a week and socialize with no one. I'll wear a potato sack with eyeholes cut out."

Soon, you start to see condescension in everyone's eyes...especially when it isn't there.

You start to feel the crushing weight of these expectations...without realizing that they are of your own making.

You look in the mirror and notice 3 things:
1) It's covered in smudges because your home isn't as clean as it should be.
2) The person looking back at you is ugly, awkward, pale, and disproportionate.
3) The bags under your eyes have become so ordinary that you haven't even noticed them there for the past 6 months.

That chilly, damp feeling which was comforting when you were home watching The Food Network with your mom over a cup of tea isn't comforting anymore. You know you have a phone to call someone, but who would you even call? You know you have blankets to snuggle under, but isn't that for cold temperatures and not cold souls?

By the time you are deep into a musing like this, you realize you haven't thought your way out of it. You think, "But there's always a silver lining! Or a pot of gold. Or that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel."

The problem is the your legs aren't moving and you just got into the tunnel. You forgot your flashlight and you can't remember where the entrance was. So while you stand stuck between two bright places - memory and hope - you find yourself in a dim place - limbo.

Sure, things could be much worse. It isn't pitch black. The ground is stable underneath you. But you've lost your vision. And the future hopes you've held onto feel like they aren't there anymore. Even the memories of the past have faded a little.

The house you dreamed your big dreams in sits abandoned on a hill hundreds of miles away.

Your yearly vacation spot hasn't been visited since high school days. You're trying hard to remember the feel of the balcony's rough cement on your feet.

Your huge family feels tiny now that it is split in so many directions. With some, you mourn the physical distance. With some, you mourn the emotional distance.

You find that everything you observe around you is now reflected in how you see yourself. You watch a mother with her baby and wonder if you'll ever be good enough to parent like that. You watch a colleague run a meeting at work and wonder why you aren't such an effective leader like that. You look at the political climate and wonder how your behavior may have influenced it. You look at the church and its internal issues and wonder which ones you may have been involved in, even unwittingly. You see your spouse's exhaustion and wonder if marrying you is what makes them feel this way. Or maybe you see your kids struggle for meaning and direction and wonder if you are any good at guiding them after all.

There are lots of things you can tell yourself when the blues hit. When you feel like everything in your world is blah and lifeless. When you are tempted to retreat into shadows and never share anything difficult again. These are the most important ones:

Life will not always feel the way it feels now. Be sure not to make the past and future into idols you worship while the present is ready to be lived well. Life may seem a little dark and cold, but doesn't that happen when the sun hides behind the clouds too? The sun will probably pop out of hiding any minute. But even if it doesn't come out soon, the fact that you are still living and breathing and loving means the sun is still there..because the Son is still there.  For every single minute of darkness and brightness, sorrow and joy, tears and laughter. He doesn't leave and He promises He never will.

Joy can be chosen. Joy should be chosen. It does not always come automatically and it does not always come with happy smiles. You can be walking through the dark thoughtfully and cautiously while still possessing deep joy. You can cry while still possessing deep joy. You can ask God hard questions while still possessing deep joy. The one thing that cannot live beside deep joy? Hateful anger. You are not choosing joy if you are choosing to let envy turn into angry hatred toward another person..or toward God. There can be no joy in your life when there is no acknowledgment of your need to move beyond dark feelings into the light of God's grace and strength. The journey to joy always involves looking up - no matter how hard it is to do. You cannot find joy if we are determined to stare at the ground or stare at another human being in resentment of our circumstances. But, on the other hand, this is also true:

Being the honest screwed-up version of you is a million times better than being the fake perfect version of you. You don't believe it, but it's true. People need real people, not cardboard cutouts or magazine models. Dark feelings won't kill you. They are human and you are human - expect them to come around sometimes and don't pretend they never do. You have significance and value just as you are, feelings and all; don't rob the world of your uniqueness. You are created in the image of God.

Time is not the ultimate healer it is made out to be. Sharing is not the ultimate healer either. God is healer and He can use these means to accomplish the healing process in us.  Hard things don't just disappear the longer they sit there in silence. And they don't just disappear the minute you expose them to another. They fade as you face them and embrace them and recognize your inability to understand them and realize God's ability to redeem them. God heals but He will except no substitute healers. When all the little hurts are brushed away and we get to that deep dark hurt at the bottom, God is the only one who can, with a brush of his hand, do away with that kind of hurt...who can make that rock bottom place into a steady foundation instead of a sinking pit.

So in an act of complete surrender to your helplessness, you fall on your knees. You do your best to silence the comparisons, the fears, the hurts, and the wonderings --and you call out to God to do all that you can't. Because you know that trying your best is nothing compared to surrendering to God's best.

It might seem like the former is harder than the latter, but it isn't. Not in the least. Surrendering is a challenge because you are wired to resist surrender and fight for control. But in the spiritual sense, this seems to hold true: The more you strive, the more you sink. The more you surrender, the more you rise.

Hey you, that tough woman who's holding it together when she's falling apart. Hey you, that little girl who still wants the fairy tale but is afraid of finding out it's a lie. Hey you, that go-getter who for once just wants to stop going and getting - who wants to start growing and giving instead.

Hey you, that writer who has run out of witty insightful things to say -- that ambitious businesswoman who feels unnoticed, undervalued, and burned out -- that mom who feels the love in her heart flowing fiercely but pulled in so many impossible-to-stretch-to directions -- that brave woman who wonders when she's alone if somehow she's just not cut out for this calling.

Hey you. Your story doesn't end here. Your purpose is constantly unfolding. Your God is listening, is watching, is loving you right now. This moment. If He feels far, it's because your feelings are an inadequate measure of distance; He's right here.

In your cubicle. In your car's passenger seat. At the bus stop. At your dirty kitchen sink. In your laundry room. At your in-law's house. In your classroom. In the hospital room. By your bedside.

He's right here. And if you are still standing in that dim tunnel pulled between a past and present that just don't fit you anymore  - much like those jeans you wore in high school - know this. Repeat it. Memorize it. Write it on your arms and on your bedroom mirror and behind your sink.

He's right here. What would you tell Him if you knew that? How would you reach for Him? What would you ask Him about? What would you ask Him for?

Afraid of the Dark

Today, it hits me like a load of bricks landing on my back. Some days, it feels more like a bullet to my chest. Others, like a nagging ache that seeps through my bones until I feel like I can't move or speak or think anymore.

Burdened. Bullet-struck. Broken-down. By something I can't even name.

Have you ever felt so alone that you were not just by yourself, but separated from yourself? That even you didn't want to be with you? I have. The lazy haze of a summer afternoon can shine a piercing light into my sense of reality and I find it hard to breathe without sobbing.

If anyone held a mirror to me in those moments, I would turn my head and wince. Even though on good days hugs are my pick-me-ups, on bad days I avoid them whenever I can. I am a cord creating my own tension as the gears in my mind are grinding with uncertainties. What do they think of me? What do people believe about who I am? What do I know about how to live this life You've given me? What was I thinking? How did I get here? Am I really this much of a failure? My pulse quickens. My forehead flushes with heat. My eyes dart downward.

And suddenly, I am the child curled up under the covers so I can't hear my parents yelling at each other through those old pink walls. I am the student heaving with anxiety as the math tests are passed out and I am terrified of missing a step on the "show-your-work" section. I am the 10-year-old kid who rushed into action on the last item of her chore list when Dad's truck pulled into the driveway just so he wouldn't know it wasn't all done..so she wouldn't fail. I am the friend who cannot bear the 0.02 difference between my best friend's GPA and hers because she just will never measure up. I am the sister who's sure that everyone else is in on some secret she missed about how to be part of the family.

In one split second, I am transported from a 23-year-old woman to a shaking child in a corner afraid of her own blurry reflection.

How? Why?

Because I cannot fix it. No matter how hard I try, THIS is all I have in me. And it just seems so insignificant. Certainly not enough.

I have tried lots of words to translate the waves that seem to ebb and flow within me. Anxiety. Depression. The blues. Detachment. Sadness. Frustration. Perfectionism. Loneliness. Homesickness. Disappointment. Fear. Fear is close, but it cannot be IT. Not fully.

The closest translation I can find is DARK. The DARK. This thing that isn't really there, but is merely the absence of light. This thing that can be as scary for a 50-year-old man in a house as it is for a 5-year-old girl trying to sleep. This thing that surrounds us intangibly, but whose presence can be sensed. This cold emptiness that offers nothing but silence in which your thoughts can haunt you with almost unbounded freedom.

I don't live my life in the dark, thank God, but I have visited there. Far more often than I have ever wanted and far more recently than I find easy to admit. The dark is a real place for me and it is always just within my reach--beckoning with the scent of a powerful painkiller that once ingested, just brings more pain.

Today, I feel it. In the political news of a sickening federal election season. In the tragedies that have lost us the lives of Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, 5 members of the Dallas Police, and especially countless terror victims around the world.

In the blog posts of popular writers that bewail the necessity of separation and divorce for the sake of "self-peace." In the exaltation of evil and the consistent neglect of compassion and charity for those who are different than us.

In longings for more. More stability, more safety, more family, more time.

The dark comes in, but the only way I survive is knowing it can't win. It may have me for another day, but it will not have me for all my days.

Because there is purpose in this life. There is meaning and joy and kindness and safety and love. People cannot give me those things--at least not fully--but Jesus can. And if you find yourself walking with me through some dark season in your life right now, let's work on remembering that Jesus is with us. Even in the dark. And He is our light when we can't find it.

John 8:12 - Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life."

2 Corinthians 4:6 - For God, who said, "Light shall shine out of darkness," is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

1 Peter 2:9 - But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God's OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

Answered and To-be-Answered Prayers

If you are anything like me, I bet sometimes you wonder if God really is listening when you pray and when you have longing in your heart. Even if you know He is listening and you've always been taught that He is listening, you wonder. And like me, I bet sometimes you forsake prayer because it feels like one giant disconnected rambling--like you are on the phone with a friend talking about what's going on in your life but they hung up on the other end before you even started talking.

Does that sound familiar? If so, you are not alone.

I wrote a song a few years ago, while I was in university, that I just remembered this week while I sat at my piano. I wrote the lyrics at a time when it felt like all I ever did was wait. I was waiting to graduate, waiting for family relationships to heal, waiting to see my long-distance fiance, waiting to get married, then waiting to move to Canada after being married 9 months. I remember sobbing in the basement music room in my dorm just asking God why it felt like everything took such a long time. And these are the words that I wrote as I talked to Him:

Lord, I asked you why it was taking so long

And I asked you why I'd been waiting so long

But the answer was not what I was expecting

You cradled my head in your hands and said
"This is a blessing..

'Cause when you wait, you find I see you through

When you break, you feel me mending you

When you cannot see, you realize I make the blind to see

When you fall, I pick you up again

When you cry, I wipe your tears with my hand

When everything seems lost, 

You learn the power of the cross"

Lord, I'm still here waiting for your strong hand to move

But I know your silence doesn't mean you've ever ceased to love

And though perfection's not what I'm expecting

It's so hard to see with blurred eyes...that this is your blessing
But you say--

"When you wait, you find I see you through

When you break, you feel me mending you

When you cannot see, you realize I make the blind to see

When you fall, I pick you up again

When you cry, I wipe your tears with my hand

When everything seems lost, 

You learn the power of the cross"

Oh, waiting isn't easy when the wait seems just too long

And healing is so painful when the pain seems just too strong

But looking up to Jesus, I know there is something more

Greater than all I've been asking for

Greater than all I've been asking for...

When I wait, I find you see me through

When I break, I feel you making me new

When I cannot see, I realize you make my blind eyes see

When I fall, you pick me up again

When I cry, you wipe my tears with your hand

When everything seems lost, 

I learn the power of the cross..

Oh, when everything was lost

And I had no strength to stand
You brought me to the cross

And outstretched your nail-pierced hand
You promised me you'd stay 

Be beside me all the way

And the waiting would be worth it all

One day.

Even reading the words as I type them brings back memories of those hard moments. But it also calls to mind the moments that God really did answer. I think of the day of my graduation when I walked across the stage and accomplished what I had set out to do four years earlier. I think of the day my husband asked me to marry him and the day we said "I do." I think of the day we made the trek to our new home in Canada and the border officer gave me a longer visa than I expected. I think of the day very recently when I received my work authorization and my approval for permanent residence in my new country. I think of the relationships in my family that have been mended and the many relationships in my new family that have helped me transition into life here.

I look back over my short life thus far and never--never ever--has God failed or forsaken me. He is always faithful, even when I'm not. He is always providing, even when I am impatient.

Today, I look inside my heart and recognize the same kinds of longings I had then, just for different things: for meaningful work, for a home, for a family of my own, and for a close community of friends. Sometimes, the weight of my own expectations is heavier than I ever thought it could be.

Have you ever felt that way?

It can be hard to get up and face the world convinced that I'm not the independent, energetic, spiritually tough woman I wish I was. It can be hard to forge relationships with people who I'm sure will get sick of me or who I'm sure I will offend at some point and scare away. It can be hard just because it's hard. No explanation. Some days are just harder than others.

But praise God, He is there for all of them. Faithful in every moment of every day of every week of every month of every year. Faithful when I'm weak and when I try to be strong. Faithful when I'm a great wife and when I'm not, when I'm a great servant and when I'm not, when I'm a great daughter or sister and when I'm not.

When I look around my community of friends and family and around the world, my life and my problems seem too insignificant to burden anyone with them. God has blessed me with so much that I often forget to thank Him for. But He doesn't instruct me to pray only for the things that seem acceptable to pray for; He doesn't filter my words so I sound like a better person than I am. God only asks for "come as you are" prayers.

I come to Him with my impatience, my jealousy, my anger, my sadness, my disappointment, and my pride. I come to give those things over to Him and to let Him change me. But I also come to Him with these things because they are real--they are emotions I have that I'm not intended to mask, but to deal with. And God knows them already because HE KNOWS ME.

John says in 1 John 5 (AMP), "This is the [remarkable degree of] confidence which we [as believers are entitled to] have before Him: that if we ask anything according to His will, [that is, consistent with His plan and purpose] He hears us. And if we know [for a fact, as indeed we do] that He hears and listens to us in whatever we ask, we [also] know [with settled and absolute knowledge] that we have [granted to us] the requests which we have asked from Him."

God does hear. He does answer. And even when it seems like answers are a long time coming, we can be confident that He hasn't abandoned us. He is working behind the scenes to make the waiting process worth it, to teach us lessons we would otherwise have failed to learn, to humble us and make us grateful dependent people who are unafraid to come as we are and let Him trade us His joy for our disappointments.

Settling into Sacred Solitude...

When the inevitable distance and distraction seep in, sometimes writing prayers really does bring Him close and let us refocus. Prayer really does change us; it's amazing how the first words can feel forced and far away as they come out and yet the last words feel almost as if He is holding your hand and sitting beside you. If you feel at all the way I felt earlier today, I invite you to draw close to God in prayer with me..

Father, it can be hard to call you Father when we have experienced the failures of human fathers.

Lord, it can be hard to call you Lord when we are ashamed to admit we haven't always bowed to your authority when we should have.

Almighty, we know that name can sound too distant.
Abba, that name can sound irreverently intimate.

Yahweh. The One who is the great "I AM." Perhaps Yahweh is the surest way for us to see you in a category all your own, in a lens undefiled by human weakness. You simply ARE. And you are Father and Lord and Almighty and Abba. To us, You are ALL--all that we need or could ask for.

We are so unworthy to come into the presence of One who has eternally existed and will eternally exist, One who is always right within our reach and yet infinitely above us in every single way, One who is holy and just and yet tender and merciful, One who cannot be near a single sin and but overflows with love and grace for sinners who are so full of sin they can be blinded to its presence.

Your very essence is paradox. 1 being in 3 persons. Creator of the Universe coming into that universe as the poor homely baby of a teenage unwed mother. Who could have imagined You in all of your majesty and all of your compassion? Who could have dreamed up anyone so powerful yet so pure?

You sent your Son to redeem us, to make us clean, to forgive every one of our sins. He died so we can live. Thank you, Lord. You never owed us anything, but You have given us everything.

Tonight we come to you recognizing that our situation is desperate. Without your Holy Spirit, we are powerless to fight the tide of evil that seems to surge toward us faster than we have ever seen it before. Hatred and distrust are on every side--politics reek of corruption and greed for power, churches dissolve into social clubs and soapboxes instead of houses of worship, families disintegrate with infidelity, abuse, and neglect, and whole communities..cities..countries grit their teeth in fear of the harm that's just around the corner. Sometimes we look around and wonder if we are watching life pass by in two alternating viewfinders--one with sunny days, spring flowers, and children's laughter and the other with drizzling rain, dead tree branches, and a layer of old litter strewn along a riverbank. We wonder if the world really is nurturing us or if it is actually trying to numb us to our separation from You.

Last Sunday, Pastor Richard told us we have become contented with Christ's absence..that we have forgotten that every good thing the world can offer will PALE in comparison to Christ's presence. It sure seems like he's right, Lord. Have we simply gotten used to You not being around? Have we become desensitized to your work in our lives to the point where we would rather you stay in a little compartment in the corner of our lives...where on Sundays you come out for a visit and the rest of the week, we lock You away to avoid inconvenience or scorn?

Shame on us, Father. Forgive us for disregarding time with You, for ignoring and disobeying the truth of your Word, for failing to pray because we fail to acknowledge your willingness to answer and to act on behalf of your people.

Almighty God, we ask you to bring revival to this nation, this continent, this planet. The kind of revival that doesn't merely count converts or teach them the 5 basic rules of successful American Christianity or enforce intellectual dogmas. No, that is less like revival than it is like suicide. Tonight we ask for a revival in hearts around this globe, Lord. We pray for a new desire to love like You love, to serve like You serve, to teach truth like You teach truth, to spread grace like You spread grace. Because the truth is? We are all in the same position..no matter our background, our gender, our age, orour experiences. We are all sinners who are in need of a Savior. A Savior who can wash us clean and make us saints.

You know, revival has to start in our hearts anyway or it doesn't really make us alive, does it? How many times have you told us about the importance of our hearts.. from our hearts flow the springs of life. Well, that life is what we need. We plead, Lord, give us hearts that are open to You and to the people you call us to love and share your good news with.

We pray for those who need You tonight in very tangible ways:

For the refugees away from home tonight in so many countries and camps that we cannot name them all..we pray for peace in their homelands and provision for the lives they are beginning in other places. Reach them with your love and with the message of Jesus, Father.

For the poor and the homeless whose lives have become something very different than they ever imagined. We pray that you would provide them with food and shelter and use your people to provide it..that the love of Christ would grip them in a way that no sorrow, despair, or addiction has ever gripped them before. give them warmth and comfort, Lord, and show us ways that we can be a part of your mission to them.

For the sick and hurting, those who wrestle with health issues and fears and those who are mourning a loved one or the loss of a relationship that meant something priceless to them. Their pain is real, Lord, but you are Healer and Comforter and you are even more real than our struggles. Help them to reach for you when circumstances try to pull them away from you.

For the sin-weary and struggling, especially for those who have been blinded to their own misery and have dulled their sense with a pleasure to a point where they cannot even feel the weariness anymore. Father, if it takes rock-bottom to bring your elect into the kingdom, we pray that they would come to that place and encounter you. For your people who even tonight are battling besetting sins that seem have their teeth sunk in deep, give them power to overcome those temptations and patterns in Jesus' name. Break those chains, Almighty God, because only You can truly break the chains that bind us.

For the oppressors, we pray that You would stop them in their tracks. Those who profit from the sale of innocent women and children, those who profit from the exploitation of workers and families, those who gain power from stealing power from the weak. Change them, Father, and frustrate their plans.

For the oppressed, strengthen them with supernatural courage and rescue them in your will, Lord. Help them trust You in suffering and save them so that they can rejoice in their salvation and show your glory to a weak and weary world.

Father, we need your help and care in every area of our lives. Bless our marriages. Bless our children. Bless our churches. Bless our career lives. Bless our academic pursuits. Bless our bodies. Bless our homes. And in all of this, we pray that you will show your glory and goodness through us.

Yahweh, you know the end from the beginning and you have heard every word of our prayer. We know that You are always good, always wise, always just, always loving. Remind us of who You are as we lay our heads on our pillows tonight. Remind us that you promise to answer if we simply believe that you will. Most importantly of all, help our hearts to remember all You are, all You have given for us, and all You have entrusted to us as ambassadors for your Son.

Thank you, Yahweh, for being the only God who is worthy of our worship and praise. Thank you for choosing us to be your worshippers and to be partakers of your unbelievable grace.

In Jesus' name, Amen.